So I am sad?

"Please don't drive me home tonight. I don't want to feel alone."

That lines reminds me of two and a half years ago, sitting outside your condo talking about everything and nothing. I remember being happy.

Pointless memory, but since Tuesday Morning is the song of the day (okay maybe I shouldn't go that far, but I do have a slight crush on Michelle Branch right now...Yeah, I'm that random. I'm not even going to deny my love for females anymore...No point. So I crush on females, so what I imagine myself with a girl)

As I was saying in the notebook I was trying to write a story about my fantasy in (lmao. Yeah, I want to write a "fictional love story between me and her), I love comparing my life to four years ago. Why maybe I should listen to Evanescence and call it a night! Actually I think I'll avoid THAT AT ALL COSTS. I'm going to keep listening to Michelle Branch because I can be pretty sure I never tried killing myself while listening to this...Ev on the other hand *eye roll*...That really isn't a funny joke. It is funny how I listen to a CD backwards...starting with the last song and then after every song ends, changing it to the song above.

Anyway, maybe I should start HERE: I feel really bad that out of the group I hung out with in high school, all of them but me went to ACEN this year. Last year, I had a good excuse- this year my absence only reminds me of my failure. And if you don't think I failed then...WHAT ABOUT THE FRIENDS I LOST CONACT WITH? I'm going to leave it at that because I'm not really sure if saying I "forsaked" my past is the best term...more like "grew away from..." Do I feel guilty? Like I did two years ago when I let you guys down? Yeah, I think so. Because I told you that I don't think I'd ever find friends as good as you guys...Then I had to stop talking to her. Then you stopped talking to them. And BLAH, I CRIED SO MUCH ABOUT THIS LAST YEAR. "I'm finding my way back to you and everything I used to do." But I obviously don't want to go back...No, let me re-phrase that: I want to go back to my friends-not the context. That's a simple enough request, right? So what if things aren't ever the same. People are the same. We've all just grown. That book series said "The people that matter we will see again."

Will I ever see you again? What would happen if I saw you again? Do I even want to see you again?

*sigh* "Waiting to find a way back to you cuz that's where I'm home."

Fours years ago, I faced lots of emptiness, lots of depression. Once I heard about the release of XS3, I thought of nothing else...I didn't have anything else to think about. After his death, our entire world was shaken. But you know back then, even after hearing My Immortal, I couldn't cry. It was just yet another unexplainable tragedy passing me. I love you guys...the friends who were with me then...

But now four years later, I don't think there is a curse that says all even years will be bad. Hell, I might say sophmore year of college was better than freshman year. Yeah, I would say that, but I would also say I'm going to make junior year even beter...I was really happy at the end of the semester. A lot of things did happen during the semester. It was a hard time. I'm not going to deny that, not in the least. Sitting here in this new apartment, new neighborhood I couldn't possiblely say that honestly I didn't hurt about any of this. I wonder if my mother ever thought that moving hurt me as much as it did...I was the one happy about moving. I'm always the one happy about everything. "I bleed to avoid the pain." Actually that lyric doesn't really sum up my emotions...That Rise Aganist song...Ah, I remember the line..."I laugh this constant pain away" Maybe that is a bit overkill, but you get the point.

I feel so bad because I do understand that I am growing up...in the sense that I am becoming who I am meant to be. As in, FeelGood has shown me that there are other people who really believe in humanity and know that we can make a difference. It was like seeing a glimpse of what things CAN be like...for me, for the world. But you know, I'm not there yet. I'm still HERE. looking in the window at the life I want. I mean, in the past, that window was just a dream so I have made it somewhere considering it is now reality, but still...NOT FAR ENOUGH. Perhaps that is why I so wanted to go on that Mexico trip. That would be the first realization of my dreams...The first time I got to do what I really wanted. Because everyone who "knows" me knows that all I really want is to help people...That's the reason I am where I am now.

I'm torn. I've always been torn, caught between two worlds. "If you've always been caught between worlds, then build your own world." That's sorta cheesey.

I think I'm going to start crying now because all these stupid love songs remind me that I don't have anyone to feel bad about losing...BECAUSE THE PERSON I WAS IN LOVE IS A FEMALE WHO WOULDN'T FEEL THE WAY I DID BECAUSE I'M ALSO A FEMALE AND PLUS I THINK SHE HATED ME BECAUSE I WAS MEAN TO HER BECAUSE I WAS TRYING TO DISGUISE THE FACT THAT I WAS IN LOVE WITH HER.

HOW FAIR IS THAT?

Dear Sarah,

I'm in love with you. I wanted to get to know you since the third week of school. I teased you because I wanted to have contact with you, because I wanted you to think of me.

Truthfully yours,
Me. (i'm not typing my name so this can't be traced back to me...because "I write mostly on hotel paper / knowing my thoughts will never leave this room)