Illusion

I'm thinking I should be listening to Illusive Consensus while typing a blob entitled "Illusion," but I'm still hopelessly obsessed (and crushing on...UGH) Michelle Branch. Oh I know, maybe if I totally see this obsession through I'll forget about the real life female I'm in love with (that's what happened over winter break when I was HOPELESSLY IN LOVE WITH SIMONE) Okay. I'm not IN LOVE. More or less just...crushing on...like I said. Now Hotel Paper =_= I swear Mrs. FEMMEMETALFTW needs to hide under a rock and listen to this music. I feel a little weird...It's like LOVE SONGS as compared to Epica's POLITICALLY RELEVANT, QUANTUM PHSYICS SUPER COMPLICATED SONGS!

I think I'm going to force myself to listen to EPICA because listening to Hotel Paper on repeat is not good for my heart...*dangles a picture of Simone in front of self* You know who you really love

But the point of this post was to reflect on how I feel like so much of my past is an illusion because in the present, I feel so discconnected from it. That is- how could that ever have been true since it is so untrue now?

"DESTROY THIS ILLUSION. WE NEED A CHANGE OF FATE."

Oh yes, this song is brillant!

See some much changes in life...much more changing than I ever noticed before...like the friends from last year...you might not even talk to now...or things that really bothered you last year, might not even cross your mind now.

In my case, I dream of writing myself a past that doesn't include any running away, any depression, any pain, any insanity, any weakness. I want to be as "perfect" as I am now...Now let's refrain that: I want to able to say I was the person I am now always...I don't want to tell people. "Yeah, I talk a lot and am confident and determined now, but I used to want to kill myself...lmao." That's a sob story.

Okay. WHO CARES? OBSESSION MUCH. GO OBSESS OVER SIMONE. GO. RUN. NOW. YOU'RE NOT OBSESSION FAST ENOUGH. FASTER!!!!

This reminds me of the facebook bumper sticker: Do you prefere top or bottom? Complete a picture of a BUNK BED. Oh trust me. I could break on of those real fast. I couldn't really since...well you know, something about me never...THAT'S REALLY WHAT THIS IS ABOUT!

But really I must still be ASHAMED of something. Of what I do, of what I was, of who I like...OF WHO I AM?

Oh...Simone really is attractive<3 OH I REMIND EARLIER THIS YEAR WHEN I WAS TOTALLY COMPARING MYSELF TO SIMONE. LIKE SIMONE IS BETTER THAN ME. WHEN SHE WAS TWENTY, LOOK WHAT SHE COULD DO. OH EVERYONE LOVES SIMONE!

I'm like the dog who will endlessly chase his (or her since you know, I'm a girl...actually I consider myself mostly sexly nuetral...which is dumb because I obviously care about those things...OMG!I MIGHT BE ON TO SOMETHING) tail until someone throws a chew toy for HER to chase...

Observe: Amy runs in circles feeling bad because it's summer and she didn't see Sarah and her life is meaningless and she has been listening to Tuesday Morning on repeat all day. Amy realizes she is about to fall over from dizziness so Amy throws a toaster off to the right. BTW, THE TOAST MAKES SIMONE TOAST! Amy chases the toaster and thus break the depressing cycle that is chasing your tail.

No, I'm not on drugs. Why would you ask that?

*sigh* FOREVER WASN'T EVER LONG ENOUGH. I WILL REFRAIN. I FEEL A PASSION WASHING OVER ME TO SHED THE SKIN I'M IN. and I didn't understand the next line...of Sancta Terra..

I think it is safe to say I'm not about to admit what I'm really afraid of. I'm afriad to admit that I have failed. Mostly, I guess, I have failed to keep in contact with people, and then I feel bad when relationships seem to fade away...Then I'm too afraid that they'll reject me to even try to talk with them again...VICIOUS CYCLE MUCH. Oh look! YOU'RE NOT PERFECT. WHO SAID YOU WERE PERFECT. I did. Yeah. I'm perfect in relative compare myself to the past terms...THAN STOP COMPARING TO THE PAST? BUT IT IS HARD NOT TO?

IT'S CHASING THE DRAGON TIME! *SIGH* I might just stop screaming and start crying now...AND NOW I FEEL LIEK GOING CRAZY. LALALALAAA. I MAKE MYSELF CRAZY. STOP PROJECTIG. STOP RUNNING. AND FACE REALITY. Please?