Really Sad

Well I managed to complete the first part of today's mission: keep up in time for the blueberry pancakes at breakfast.

Other plans: FAIL. Since I'm not working on my paper. Instead I'm reflecting on my sorrows. But this post isn't sad; I'm not going to talk about how I want to kill myself or anything...just talk about how I wish things were different...while listening to "Tuesday Morning" BTW: It's Wednesday morning...Tomorrow is Thursday, the day of my last final.

Dream: I dreamed I ended up at the convention with my friends who were very happy to see me. I dreamed she came up to me and wanted to take a picture. I still dream that we are together again. RB was also in that dream- except she was threatening to kick me out so that's a major turn-off...except the dream turned me on...

Reality: Two of my friends are still close; they do stuff together and pursue the dreams and fun they enjoyed back then. She has him; it's okay that she doesn't talk to any of us because she has a "new" life. The other one has a group from school. So that leaves me here on my bed nearly in tears. Me: let's see...crazy but also mature...caught between two worlds. A red mage. lmao.

But really: AFTER TOMORROW, I WON'T SEE HER FOR A LONG TIME! DAMN. I DREADED THIS DAY BECAUSE I ALWAYS THOUGHT I HAD MORE TIME TO KNOW HER, TO MAKE HER LIKE ME. But I don't, and she won't. It hurts. Because I've imagined us together for so long; I've imagined that we would really get along. We'd have that bond I always longed for.

Maybe when I'm leaving tomorrow I should just tell her this "I'm in love with. I noticed you were rather quirky and passionate...and you cared. You care the way I do, I think. Almost every interaction we've had has tried to make me hate you, but what you didn't know is I rigged a lot of situations so you'd have to talk to me. I wanted to see you; I wanted a reason to "hate" you so I could talk about you all the time. Yeah, I know how weird this confession sounds, but it's the truth...I love you."

If I wasn't coming back to this dorm next semester, I would tell her. But alas...

So there you have it. I love a female. I'll admit it. I'm lucky if I'm only Bi. Because I'm only attracted to a few men. I don't tell people, but I'm notice females I find attractive. Oh damn...

I wonder now if toward the end of my friendship with her #1, I fell in love with her too...But no, I never had thoughts of "passionate" love- or at least not like I do for my other "her."