Simple.

So I have been calling myself an intellectual (that is to say I love learning, reading, thinking, understanding, observing, listening and such...yeah, Sin I guess I am a quiet nerd and do live in my own little world) and I think I am on to something with it. It explains why I am so much better at THINKING than ACTING. I swear with all the thoughts and ideas I've devised, I could have done so much if I acted on everything. But I did. I never have, and I've blamed it on fear of showing off who I am, fear of not being good enough. Whatever. I've said in the past that "we won't do something until we are ready." How come I have never been ready?

As I sit here enjoying my summer, by uh, doing nothing, I begin to understand something about myself...That I am an overly simple people. Simple in my infitie complexities. But that is another story. This story is about how I would be happy simply watching television, simply sitting in the sun enjoying the beauty of the world. Until I noticed dusk in the summer, the setting sun on Lake Michigan, I forgot those simple joys...I've often wondered what my dream is truly, and deep within my heart I know this to be true: My dream is to find a "soulmate" who will always be by my side, and live someplace remote with that person...so everyday it is me and them lying on the beach, joking, being in love. I just want to be happy. That's what I said so long ago...I am not a fighter. At all. I'm not aggresive, not as a driver, not as a person. I fought to remain "alive" my whole childhood, and I don't want that life anymore. I think this desire for peace is the only reason I ever want school to end. I don't like doing anything. I enjoy exploring my own thoughts. At school, it's like an act. I'm funny, busy, important, whatever. I have all these lofty "goals in life." But those goals aren't me. Yes, they represent my beliefs...

Or maybe I'm "just not ready yet..." maybe I'm gathering the pieces from all my random obsessions and regrouping...slowly preparing for the war I want to wage.