Not a Cactus.

My status has been "Amy is inside-out! Imagine I'm a cactus and my needles are my thoughts. So if you turn a cactus inside-out, all its needles are stabbing its flesh. That's how I feel. I need to use my "needles..." Metaphor Fail"

I'm going to say this theory doesn't properly describe my emotional state. I'm actually going with the "Drug Addict Theory."

Now before anyone goes and freaks because I'm on drugs, I'm not on drugs. Just legal ones. But the idea behind a drug addict is that they are constantly searching for the next high. And each time they "get high" they need more of the drug to attain that emotional gratification. The mechanics lies in that the body prodcues less of its anti-pain chemical when it sense the fake stuff so as you use more, you need more.

But in my case, I am constantly looking for the thing that will provide me with a deep, meaningful connection. That's why I've trouble listening to a song all the way through! I'm not finding that emotional high (which isn't really a high...more like a longing...). I keep wanting to hear that perfect song that will sum up my emotions (like Safeguard to Paradise did, Utopia did, Hotel Paper did, Pale did), but I'm not finding it so I don't want to listen to anything.

I can't write until I regain that "longing." I usually get that feeling from writing or at least thinking about writing...but also from observing...think the "fountain observation." I'm trying to remember now...

Oh but I still didn't answer why I'm addict. Probably because I have such -wonderfully- high expectations for myself. Everytime, I create something, I want the next thing to be better. Every time I feel, I want the next thing to be strong or else I'm a failure. Now I'm going to summon the rollarcoaster analogy...except I think they're numerous rollarcoaster metaphors...one is kinda original...one is cliche. Like life comes with ups and downs...like the bumps on a rollarcoaster!