Jealous.

So, honestly, I would consider myself a VERY jealous person. But in my defense, I'm not jealous of everyone. I'm just jealous of THOSE WHO HAVE WHAT I WANT. Okay, I think the very definition of jealous is "wanting something someone else has." So I'm not really that selective in my jealousy. All the same, I can learn from my jealous nature, learn what it is I want.

Way back long ago, in second grade, I was jealous of my classmate who won the writing contest. I remember clearly thinking that my writing must be too fluffy, with no real conflict. Somehow, though, this other girl wrote a well-crafted meaningful story. WHY DID THIS REVELATION BOTHER ME WHEN BACK THEN I (I also remember thinking this)FELT BAD FOR WHOEVER HAD TO WRITENOVELS. I mean, I guess you could bend this memory to mean that I simply wanted praise, and I would also have been jealous of someone who say won a beauty contest (something that really could mean less to me...even now). I do also remember having this terrible need to BE THE BEST. In math. In swimming. In friends. I do remember being jealous of those who were better at swimming than me (nouns involve less committment than verbs...which is why I didn't say swam...I'm trying here...to remember things I hate remembering...things that make me look WEAK). Very jealous at that. Jealous to the point of meanness, hatred. I chose to push people away rather than ever appear less than perfect. Over ten years later, I still do this exact same thing. Like I just read in a book "I push people away when I need them most." Because needing someone implies weakness and weakness implies that I am not perfect. But why, why do I have the need to never show weakness so engrained in me?

I think I have some repressed memory surrounding the events of whatever happened when I was four. Actually it's not whatever happened because I know exactly what happened. But I'm starting to think there was more than what I know happened because even being molested doesn't account for a terrible and innate desire to be perfect, to never show a single flaw. Okay, maybe it does. It probably does.I just wikied Complex Post Traumatic Stress disorder (because that's what I have, I've self-diagnosed...lmao), and the article doesn't say anything about a complusive need for perfection. Well, maybe it's actually CONTROL that I need. As in being perfect is a way to control everything about your life. Probably. Like that's the mindset behind anorexia, I think. If it wasn't for PCOS, I probably would have been anorexia at one poin in my life (okay, I was borderline anorexic when I was in my younger years of highschool, but I still didn't really lose weight...thank you, again PCOS.) I also went through a I Want To Make Myself Throw Up Phase, but luckily, I didn't have the balls to actually make myself puke. Yeah, I was too weak to make myself puke. Blessing or Curse? Just now, I was listening to FROZEN in two places. Two versions. FROZEN. I've chosen Deconstruct and Utopia as my favorite songs now-a-days because they represent other parts of me. You know, not the suicidial, desperately searching for a reason to remain alive person or the SO TRAUMITIZED I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT ANY EMOTION FEELS LIKE person. I don't know why that one is in caps...But regardless, both those persons are a REAL part of my past. No, they ARE my past. No wonder I'm jealous of anyone who has an even remotely "normal" past.

But actually that's not what I'm jealous of. Here, I will go through a list of the people I am most jealous of right now. Even knowing that -perhaps- a few of these people might read this. I'm also a self-professed COWARD. Sorry, I've never said any of these things to your face. Actually, I think I did say some of THIS to HER face because like it or not I was able to tell her anything. If I wasn't, I wouldn't have been able to tell her I wanted to die, when I did...when I actually didn't. Can I not do this?

1. I'll state with an easy to state reality because this one shouldn't come as surprise. I'm jealous of Sarah. Yes, the girl who I both am "in love with" and HATE. I want to be like her because she was so involved in "good." She was part of all these volunteer groups; she was the RA for goodness sake. A noteworthy position, yes. She played the role well too. Always the idealistic, always saying all the right things at all the right times. So yeah, I take my hat off to you, Sarah, because represent the "do-good, well-respected" person that I would love to be. Also I envy your "idyllic" childhood and family life. I can't help that. Oh and the fact that you seem to be a "better" psychology major than me. What with your research experience and sureness about your desires. I've spent A LOT of time thinking about you. I mean if this blog is any proof, you ARE THE ONLY THING I THINK ABOUT. Right now, I wouldn't say that is that far from the truth. My last two posts have been poems DIRECTED AT YOU. I swear, if only you knew I was OBSESSED with you. Though at this EXACT moment, you are not my biggest obsession. Oh how you (who ever you are) should know what is coming...I have two HERS, and well, yip, my current obsession is the original HER. The her I've dream about all the time. The her I used to tell everything to. So without further ado. The confession.

2. I'm jealous of Alex. I'm horridly jealous of the girl who broke my heart (in the non-romantic way). Why would I be jealous of an insincere ex-friend who "betrayed" me? Because she was the one who betrayed me. Because she was able to betray me. I don't betray people because I'm terrified of losing people. I just don't seem to have all the people in my life others do, and I'm not as wonderful at making friends as other people are...So I have cling to whoever I have. Cling might not be the best word since, honestly, I want to think people are good and there are quite a few people I really do like. I REALLY trusted her. Despite all the times when it seemed that she didn't care. 1. You carely chose them over me even when I told you how depressed I was. You didn't talk to me on that field trip and then YOU BLAMED ME. I was so GONE at that point. I believed you too. I always believed you...2. You told me "all you ever wanted was for our other friend to talk to you. At that other friend: I understand now, I think, why you couldn't talk to me for that time. I recently felt that way. That even if the person who these feelings were directed at came around, I could NEVER trust them the same way again. I would have lingering feelings of hate. Maybe that is why so many of my old friendships are screwed up beyond repair. Back on topic: You never valued the fact that we were "best friends." Nope. You always wanted someone else. Another friend. A boy. Some dream. You can't imagine how that made me feel. How much I cried because of you. How I still dream about you. Another obsession, right. I can't let go of these people because I am JEALOUS. I'm jealous because you didn't feel the way I did, because you had people to fill the ranks left by us. I mean, I had other friends, better friends, but if I am one thing, it is insincere. When I come to like someone, I like them. If I trust you, you should consider yourself lucky.

Yeah, those two HERS, my obsessions, take up so much space on my mind...for no reason too. I need to let go of them. Even if they do represent things I can't control, failures or people who hurt me a lot, I need to MOVE ON. No matter what moving on means. But, alas, I haven't confessed anything new here. Maybe a few feet deeper than before but not...well, not the stab that started this thought process. I don't know if I can say this next part since it truly makes me look wrong. Immature. Hopeless. Small. Especially considering...

Oi. So you remember (or KNOW first hand) that two of the people I consider to be my best friends I met online. And they know things other people don't about me. In a way, I let them see a fragile me, at a time of weakness when I needed someone so very much and when I otherwise would have pushed everyone away. Right now, I am pushing everyone away. I desperately want to push YOU away because I want to make it seem like I don't need you, that I'm not hurt that I'm not your favorite. You've said I was your best friend, but how many other people have you ever said that to? I know I have issue trusting someone who calls themselves my best friend, but I know when you say it, it isn't completely the truth- not completely a lie either. See I know (and really want it to be like this for both your sake's, trust me though I might be confessing to jealousy here, I don't harbor any ill wishes. I WANT BOTH YOU TO BE HAPPY. THAT WILL NOT CHANGE NO MATTER WHAT) she (I can't use names. I'm sorry. I'm a coward.) is your best friend. She's the one you want to talk to. Just like Sabina was the one Alex wanted to talk to. NOT ME. NEVER ME. I know I shouldn't feel this way (and I sure as hell shouldn't be listening to WT while feeling this way...) but it hurts a lot to think of you two being friends without me, being better friends than you are with me at that. It hurts. Maybe it's not even jealous. Simply: it hurts. As if I've been forgotten about after we were such good friends. AND I JUST GOT SIDE-TRACKED BY MY COMPLETE LOVE FOR EPICA! But another rant about that later...Where was I? Oh yes, I was feeling bad because you two seems to forget about me, leave me out. Because you're going to be with her and not me. Yip. As if you chose someone else over me. Mind you, I would WANT you to make that choice, but I also don't want to be forgotten about by anyone. I've lost a lot of friends...mainly the HER mentioned above. I don't want that to happen again. I'm so very, very sorry!

This post is ending now because I'm thinking about EPICA. Oi.