Sorrow has a human heart...

Well the good news is I finally have the album version of Sleeping Sun (I deleted mine back when I thought both Oceanborn folders I had my exactly the same...they weren't and I lost my favorite song) Such a beautiful song and such an awesome music video (the original Tarja in a bathtub version that is) I forgot about the SS music video when I made my top five list, but honeslty I don't think most of Nw's videos are THAT great...not like WT's<3333

Speaking of WT, I've been in a NEED TO HEAR WT ON REPEAT UNLESS I'LL CRY mood today and yesterday. Actually today was one of the most painful days I have had in a while...since maybe the nights I would talk to her and just break down in tears of disbelief and not wanting to accept what was going on...

Well here is the story of today's sorrow...I was really happy this afternoon after mum and I went to see Julie and Julia (five dollar tickets before noon!!!) I was listening to Ice Queen and loving the lryics "The sun awakens and sees the dawning of a new day" I was waiting in the car for brother to come out. He was looking for his ipod cuz he didn't want to drive for twenty minutes to a resturant without it cuz you know since I was driving I had WT on and that's is sooooo horrible. So after mum makes him come out without since she doesn't wantto wait anymore, he makes this big fuss about how my music was on too loud and he wanted to be dropped off if I wasn't going to turn it down. I went to put gas into the car then...basically as we were turning into the station Mum lowers the music saying she doesn't want to hear it either and wants to prevent a fight. I stop the car, throw the keys into her lap and walk home (it's is only a few blocks)

My thoughts were this "She made her choice. Now she must live with it." I was ready to go back to school right then and there. I should not have to put up with this woman who can easily tear me apart to prevent fights. My whole life I was the one hurt in the end. My brother would start things, violence, arguments and scare the shit out of me and eventually I'd do something to try to stop it and I'd be the one blamed. Once there was a fight and I actually thought he was going to hurt someone (was when I was in junior high) so I take my mom's cell and dial 911. She comes outside and wrestles the phone from my hands threatening me because I called the police. If she knew this still bothered me she would say that was many years ago, let it go. I'll never forget that moment or the time she threw me through the door. What the hell did I ever do to deserve that? I was so young, I had no idea what was going on...

But if you ask her, she was not an abusive mother. Well that's not fair to say. Her intentions are pure, I know for certain, but it's the acting out of them where I get hurt. She will do anything to prevent a fight -in the case where I called the police she would do anything not to let others see what was going on behind our closed door. Could never tell this one to her...but she also didn't know what was going on behind my closed door in the middle of the night all those years, but whatever...no one suspects that.

I just wish someone would chose me above all else, someone would come and protect me. Hell, even comfort me. I have fought alone to be strong, to live through abuse after abuse, shame after shame, fear, rejection, failure and everything else an angry, confused child faces while she tries to have some semblence of hope and love. My fantasies came in here. They always protected me from truth, gave me somewhere to inhabit while I was alone. Whether it was an imaginary friend I wish I had, a video game I was obsessed with and its characters I wished I was, a story I created in my own mind to parallel and hopefully free myself from my own woes. I've always been big on the fantasy where I had magical powers and could save the world...yeah you know because I have always felt so damn powerless. I so wish I could pick up a sword and slash away at the evils of the world. Now a days my comfort is mostly music...I'm certain I would not be alive still if it weren't for Within Temptation at least. Now I understand WT didn't save my life. It just gave me the strength to help myself, but the comfort WT's music gives me is amazing.

Mum always asks me repeatidly if I love her, says I think she is a coward. She tells me how I feel, what I think. I have heard it all so many times. I told her today she broke my heart. There really is truth in this. My heart is broken, but not just from her. My heart was broken when I four when he first tricked me, touched me...even though then I had no idea what was going on. I didn't come to terms with what he did until after he stopped. Even thinking back now, it seems unreal my life has had no much pain...My heart was broken by the fear of watching my parents fight, being so scared and confused and lashing out at the world, being punished and hating myself, rejection at school, never being good enough at sports or smart enough, teh shame of being who I was, being alone, being teased, having people think there was something wrong with me...Most recently my heart was broken my that friend and my mother's continued ignoring of what I really need.

I hurt so much. I cry and then I find some way to cheer myself up so I can go on. Then sometimes else hurts me and each time it hurts more. I have cried more recently than I ever did and when I say cry I mean cry alone. It's the people who should be comforting me who make me cry, but that is the story of my life. But alas I have also been happier this past year than ever before. I guess I just started living and that comes with stabs from the good and bad. I have gotten strong, better able to deal...Some of the things I get upset about now, would have destroyed me years ago...and I mean this. I would never hurt myself now. I am not my enemy. If everyone else finds it necesary to make me bleed, I will be the one who hugs myself and says it is alright ^_^

Ever Dream always come on while I'm posting...Gods, I love this song!!! It really sums up what I'm feeling right now...

Would you do it with me
Heal the scars and change the stars
Would you do it for me
Turn loose the heaven within

Yip. LOVE THAT SONG!!!