While I was at the bookstore writing earlier I was thinking about all the stress placed on today's youths. It really strikes everyone, but perhaps the rich children who have to be perfect and do well at sports and get straight A's in honors classes. Now before I go on I was -to a certain- degree one of these students. I was in a sport and honors classes, but let's call me a rebel for now. I didn't quite fit in any of those places. These children face the burden of expectation.
The burden of expectation is the feeling you need to be as good as someone and live up to what they expect for you...like if someone's parents are smart and athletic, the child feels they need to be too to impress their parent. The child feels they have to be perfect at everything since their parents demand this of them. Maybe the parents don't do it on purpose either, but there are a lot of unspoken expectations out there. For me it was never even debated I would go to college, it was unimaginable that I would be grades lower than B's and no one ever even considered the thought I might try drugs, alcohol or sex. Now all of things do fit with my personality so I'm not living any double life here and I'm not about to rebel because of unfair restrictions. One thing about myself though...I was always considered to be smart so obviously I would go into something math/ science related. If we weren't free of my father, I would still be I think. Only out of his expectation for me acheive in school do I find it possible to follow what I truly enjoy. I cannot help, but his reaction to me studying creative writing over science would be.
Now the other burden out there is the burden of dreams. This applies to all the children out there who are the first in their to really have the chance to be something more. All the dreams and sacrifices of the people who brought the children to this point rest on these kids. I fall more into this catagory especially when it comes to writing, to having a family, to being happy. On days when I'm feeling strong, this is a major motivation to me. I've said time and again I want to break the chain of abuse and be more than a victim. There are days though I take this as a burden. Those days I want to give up, to surrender to the world with all its apathy and pains. Yes, there are times when I feel I am fighting because I have to and not because I want to. Many sacrifices have been made for me and I have seen so many dreams fade. I will not repeat this. I cannot let Mum down, I cannot prove all my thoughts of insanity or evilness correct and most of all I cannot let my inner self who was hurt so badly so young down. I want to fulfill her dreams.
I had this picture in my Sharon Shrine on the wall of my dorm room last year. When I was packing up the night before summer, I tore it. I was so devasted. I was afraid it was some terrible omen. Then I taped it and I realized I already live with this symbolism all around me. My life was torn and hopes shattered, but this hope was restored, taped, renewed...whatever the word! Don't tell me it was any coincidence it was THAT picture...Frozen, holding on to innocence, protecting the young. Yeah Sharon is always there so me...
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