Truth

Awhile back in one of my classes, I learned that victims of childhood abuse deal with stress much worse than anyone else. This upset me terrible obviously! So my brain isn't wired correctly and I will never be right...will never response to the world right. I was obsessed with this notion for awhile, crying because I thought I was hopeless.

I violated my entire list of 'thoughts not to think'

I'M SORRY TO SAY, AMY. YOU ARE INSANE. YOU CAN USE IT AS EXCUSE OR A REASON FOR SYMPATHY, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT AND IT WILL NOT GET EASIER.

So let's not go there, okay? Let's just focus on the here and now and not on how we are wired for failure...Maybe I am more inclined to depression, maybe I do have more to overcome to succeed than most others...BUT...that also makes me more powerful.

I have a mission-- a reason to fight. I promised a girl I would free her, end this vile cycle and set us free.

In my own mind, I continue the cycle. I reject her, hurt her...tell her she is destined to fail, should not live, is evil...and I get comfort in these thoughts...WHY? I find comfort in thinking of suicide.

That is just dumb, Amy. Period.

One reason this is dumb...while you are writing this, you are DREAMING OF GOING TO FINLAND.

WHY WOULD YOU THINK YOU ARE A TOTAL FAILURE, WHEN YOU HAVE SO MANY DREAMS?

Okay. I'm getting tired so I'm going to sleep for awhile but please, let's be free from depressing thoughts.