Lost

Somehow today I realized just how egocentric I am. EVERYTHING IS ABOUT ME. Maybe if everything wasn't about ME, I wouldn't be so depressed. Maybe if I'd wake up and see reality, I wouldn't hate myself. I often wish I could see myself from afar and see WHAT I REALLY AM because when I see me, all I see is a stupid, ugly person.

I am CONSTANTLY making fun of myself. CONSTANTLY. Like I am a joke or something. Because jokes are funny. No one takes jokes seriously. I don't take me seriously. That way when I fail, I have a safety net. I am a failure or I am insane. WHAT DO YOU EXPECT FROM ME?

IT'S A BLOODY TRAP I AM STUCK IN.

I'm not sure I even know who I am anymore. I'm just wandering about, trying to move forward while being confused and voiceless. I'm pathetic. I can't be strong or optimistic. I just get depressed. I don't feel anything. I don't feel. I want to cry...to listen to WT until all my boundaires and defense melt away...

I miss myself...feeling, joy, love...