Stupid

Let's re-examine what I did tonight just for fun, alright! While listening to Beyond Me...because I think hearing voices is better than being me.

And to think earlier today I wanted to start another blog to write happy things...to conceal the reality that I want to kill myself. Shows you where my priorities are.

I was having a perfect good day: lots of reading<3 some nice self reflection, scones ie happy Amy, but of course, I'm a screw by nature so things can't stay well. See I had a party for the magaziene I write for and well, long story sort I was leaning toward not going...BUT THOSE VOICES IN MY HEAD WERE LIKE "OH AMY, YOU FREAKIN' ANTI-SOCIAL LOSER! YOU NEVER DO ANYTHING INTERESTING! YOU WANT TO SIT IN YOUR ROOM AND READ ALL NIGHT? OF COURSE. WHAT A LOSER. NO WONDER NO ONE LIKES YOU."

I went to my friend for guidance, but sadly, she was watching television and couldn't be bothered. What she said: Oh if it was me I'd just make friends and have them drive me (or something like that).

OH FUCK. I'M SORRY I'M NOT POPULAR LIKE YOU. I'M SO SORRY I'M NOT AS EXTROVERTED OR OUT-GOING. OR FAKE. DON'T THINK I DON'T REALIZE YOU CALL EVERYONE YOU'RE FAVORITE PERSON. I'M NOT YOUR FAVORITE PERSON. I'M NOT ANYONE'S BEST FRIEND. I'M NOT GOING THROUGH THAT AGAIN. EVER. I'LL BE LOSER IF NEED BE. I DON'T NEED YOU RUBBING IT IN THAT I DON'T REALLY ASSOCIATE WITH ANYONE AT WORK ON A PERSONAL LEVEL. OKAY SO LEAVE ME ALONE. YOU MADE ME CRY. I CRIED.

Then I left. I lied to you. I told you I was going to work-out while in reality I was actually have way to the party. Right. I had to go to prove to myself I'm not anti-social. That's not a good reason. So much for self-confidence. I could have finished my book...

You know what else? I'm a hypocrite. Because given the chance, I drank. Okay. I know I'm not supposed to with the medicine I take and I know our group doesn't do that stuff and I know I'm defs not a partier, but HELL. I didn't say know. I was kewl with taking drinks. I WANTED TO DRINK. I WANTED TO LOSE MY SOCIAL INHIBITION. THAT'S PATHETIC. TRUST ME.

Mind you I really didn't drink that much. Not enough to be "drunk" or anything but I guess I'm not a good drunk. I get more ANTAGONISTIC. I leave at 11pm with another girl who is walking in my direction because 1. I'M A SQUARE AND WOULD RATHER DO OTHER THINGS THAT PARTY 2. I'm scared of being attacked. It's truth. Or maybe I'm just using it as excuse.

I came back (slightly tipsy most likely cuz I was talking a lot on the walk back) and went down to the library and told my friend from above off. I told her she shouldn't mock me anymore about being a loser. That hell, I know she is better than me. I know this. Okay, don't rub it in. I'M SO FUCKIN' SORRY I'M NOT LIKE YOU. STFU AND LEAVE ME ALONE.

It shouldn't be this big of a deal. Okay. I drank. A little. I hate myself. I hate my introverted tendencies. I hate that everyone has more to do.

So much for the blog about not wanting to die.

Maybe tonight was a crappy attempt at suicide. At forgetting who I am.