REALLY?

I think I understood—a bit—today how heartless I am…not just heartlessness either. Actually I’m pretty sure I spend the whole month of March obsessed with idea of suicide, and what happened last week certainly didn’t help that sad truth. No I lied. I was thinking about hurting myself even before I heard. I remember that night I sat doing nothing for an hour staring at the desk and thinking how I should just die—back two weeks ago, I had enough pills that I could have made a valiant attempt…Wow, it is pretty awful writing about how I want to kill myself, but 1. I don’t think I actually would. I’ve had many great opportunities when I would have been at least a bit justified, and I chose to go on living. I always wonder if my life was worth all this chaos for my mom. That’s all these trials, stress and moves are—my freedom, my life. Maybe things would have been better if I killed myself and let her go on living in blissful ignorance. Talk about bloody selfishness. I’m so selfish. I ruined people’s lives. I continue to upset people’s existences with my bad attitude. I’m not worth it; I shouldn’t exist. But goodness knows, at this point, I don’t think I could kill myself. But now no one expects that from me. Now, everyone expects me to save the world and find the world a beautiful place. I expect me to find the world a beautiful place. I still see the beauty even when parts of my thoughts are on suicide. Ugh, only a selfish person would think these thoughts. A normal person would like to help the people whose lives she ruined, but no, I want to die and leave this huge mess in my wake. Part of the friggin’ reason I’m so messed up right now is that I totally numbed myself. I had to have. Back in the end of January, I think, when things got way too painful to bare. I know I was numb when I saw Epica, but I also know I was quite happy in the weeks before that day. What happened? Oh yeah, I remember…
See this year I’ve had to face every last thing I knew would eventually happen, but wouldn’t be truly real until they actually happened. 1. My father pled guilty. I think I white-washed that one—pretended it didn’t hurt, that I wasn’t embarrassed. 2. Arguments with mom. Yeah, it seems small, but in reality, it had a terrible effect on me. Why? Because when someone gets mad at you for standing up for yourself, it makes you feel like shit, like you are wrong. Like hello? Take my side for once. I’m freakin’ right, you know. You friend is a jerk. She is being mean to you. And you are being mean to me in defense of her. That hurt. Okay, a lot. 3. Sarah. I want to type in caps lock so much right now….WHY? BECAUSE I HATE HER. FOR SO MANY REASONS. I COULD WRITE A NOVEL ON WHY I HATE THAT GIRL. THAT’S HOW MUCH I HATE HER. I was just getting over previous feelings I had for the girl---thanks Simone. And then BAM!!! She had to go all self-righteous on me. PRISONERS ARE TREATED LIKE ANIMALS. Oh you want to know what it feels like to be in a cage…I have eighteen years of experience. I want to help people too. I really do more so than you’ll ever understand, but you’re fuckin’ innocent and you know nothing about reality. Oh I know! Brilliant idea here…Let’s yell at the survivor of sexual abuse about how sex offenders deserve to be treated better. And maybe it is ridiculous that two months later I’m still thinking about this day, but…If you can’t let go, you will end up empty-handed. THANK YOU, EPICA. But really, I shouldn’t hate Sarah as much as I do. Part of me is jealous. Because she is everything I would like to be, and she didn’t have to endure a 69th of what I have. But I guess, in truth, we only find success when we are doing what we are really meant to be doing. I have to keep searching. I’ll find where I belong eventually…Anyway, it’s not like I do nothing. I just feel bad because she does MORE than me. How does she have time? I go crazy as it is. OH, I AM CRAZY. I’M INSANE. IT’S BRILLANT. I.AM.INSANE. Say it slowly. I’m insane. I only succeed when I’m doing nutty things, when I’m being crazy. What was my line? It doesn’t matter if the grass is greener on the other side because I don’t want a green yard but instead a cactus garden. Or a yellow yard. Those are fun. There are two types of insane 1. The let’s sit in a corner and do nothing but think about how we want to die 2. The I laugh at everything, am in love with numerous Dutch singers and I invent random things like 24/7 Okay so…most people don’t want to be insane, but I do…Maybe it’s not insanity. Maybe it’s just ME. But I think I digressed because I didn’t even hit the real WHY THIS YEAR SUCKED SO FAR REASON. Actually not so real reason is because 2010 is an even number, and even numbers are bad years because 2006 and 2008 were. I bet there is some truth to sophomore year being the worst, but DIDN’T WE AGREE THERE WAS NO CURSE. DESIGN YOUR UNIVERSE. YOU ARE FAR TOO OBSESSED WITH EPICA TO THINK YOU ARE NO IN CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE. Next question to address: How the hell did Amy become obsessed with Epica in the first place? Really I don’t know. I think I heard them before last fall and didn’t like them. I called them a “musical seizure.” I just remember that night over labor-day weekend when I listened to SAFEGUARD TO PARADISE on repeat. All. Night. Oh like I’m doing now…But really, it just happened at the beginning of this year. Oh wow, my paranoia didn’t start making connections between sophomore year of high school when I first heard Nightwish. I have made a lot of connections though…like I was waiting for a game to come out over break then too. KH2 then and FF13 now. Except FF13 came out two weeks before break, and I wasn’t anticipating it THAT much. I mean I have a life now. Any right now, I’m not counting down the days until July 7th? Waiting for the release of another game I was obsessed with. Oh no, I just freaked out. I realized both WT and Tarja (basically kinda sorta my two favorite musical peoples) are supposed to release a new album this year. THAT’S A LOT OF STUFF FOR ME TO LOOK FORWARD TO!! Now I’m scared. Self-fulfilling prophecy much? But those are soooo much fun. Cuz it’s like digging yourself into an even bigger hole, and you don’t have to deal with reality right away. What happened to the line “If history wants to repeat itself, it has to go through me first.” I’m HELPING history repeat itself. WHY? Oh man, it’s not the fact that good things happen at certain times. It’s all about attitude. One of the worst things happened in 2007, which I generally consider the best year ever. And let’s not one of the best things---discovering WT happened in 2006 (no, was it? Yeah, it was the beginning of junior year…) and in 2008…well, yeah. God forbid, I decide I’m not going to be unhappy. I’m not going to force the past to reoccur. Right now, it will. I’m really good at depressing myself. So I’m wasting a lot of time searching for patterns where no patterns exist. Though I will not drop the fact that some hilarious, coincidental force acts upon my life. I’ve seen too many funny coincidences for that. HAHA. It’s true. Too bad I can’t think of any now…

But I do remember the point…3. MOVING. The reason that weekend I saw Epica was so awful. The reason I felt numb. Because we had to see our new apartment for the first time that next morning. Nothing makes unpleasant things more real than seeing them. I took moving a lot worse than I would have expected. I thought I would be please as punch! WHOA, no more living in shitty Worth in the house that I have always been afraid was going to explode. Not really as fun as it sounds. It’s awful, alright. The stress of packing everything, of having everything in boxes on the floor, of carrying everything up a trillion stairs, of not having any furniture, of never going back to a house you lived in for twenty years because the person who ruined your childhood lives there now. It got me. Moving into this apartment hurt me. It succeeded where many things have failed. Actually I take that back. Nothing can defeat me. Only me. I’m so strong that nothing will tear me down except for myself, my own thoughts. Then once I start tearing at myself I’m like trapped within my thoughts and my strength becomes a weakness. I numbed myself because if I remember correctly, I thought “it’s too painful.” Yes, it’s more of a prolonged trauma (like everything else) but dang, it dragged me down. I let other’s (ie SARAH’S) words undermine my existence. Obviously because she said something, I’m wrong and should doubt all my beliefs. That’s a great idea, right. Why did you let her have such sway over your thoughts? Because you think she is better than you and thus right? Do you really think she is better than you because she just so happens to volunteer a bunch of places? Do you really think people are better than you because they have more friends or whatever you feel inferior about? Really? Do you hate yourself that much? That you can’t see how amazing you are? What happened to not comparing yourself to others and pursuing what you want, what will make you happy? Every minute you spend thinking about suicide (or other related depressing thoughts), if a moment you are not fantasizing! Oh did you conveniently forget you want to be a writer? You are a writer. YES. Omg. Really? I bet Simone doesn’t conveniently forget she is a singer when she gets upset. That mindset really doesn’t get you very far… Actually this time you convinced yourself BOTH your dreams were wrong! Quote yourself “I used to have all the answers, but now I don’t…” Oh right, you decided all your answers were wrong. Thus you couldn’t imagine why would ever be studying psychology. Really? Did you forget that you have a mission? Nevermind. You were too busy adding links to the chain to remember your goal is to break the chain. If you don’t wake up, you will be selfish because you have a lot to share with the world…but, but, but!!! There is someone who is better than you (you think) so obviously your life is meaningless. I’m going to type REALLLY? Again. Actually I really want to listen to Design Your Universe. You’re not aggressive or tough at all. Your overly emotional, random and hysterical. I know you feel the need to act tough like nothing ever hurts you, but that isn’t right…because things DO hurt you. They should hurt you. Moving that’s stress. It hurts to leave home behind. It hurts to think that you aren’t all powerful or in control. It hurts to admit you are weak or wrong or not as good. But that’s what makes you strong…numbing yourself just makes you angry and lose enjoyment in the world. Is it too much to ask that you cry in the face of pain? Now I’m yawning so I’m pretty sure this round of mental exploration is over…
Wow so I start off thinking about suicide…I think I need to give the part of myself that wants to die an extra cookie and a hug. I think I gave the part of myself that wants to hurt others an extra cookie too. I do listen to what they say. They’re a part of me too…like I’m one hundred percent certain depression a key ingredient in happiness. Everyone accepts that death is a part of rebirth so why shouldn’t pain be a part of joy? It is. Staring up at the blank white walls, I think I feel better now. I won’t feel better until I do/ create something randomly insane though. That’s just how I am.