Arrogance.

I haven't updated in a long time because I have come to think of myself as "too good" for such uses of my time. Or I just thought my mind was clear enough that I didn't need to ramble. Oh shame that I find myself hiding and procrastinating again. Avoiding, actually. Hmmm.

Let's remember that very annoying level toward the end of Chrono Trigger where you have to climb Mt. Woe (to resurrect Crono). The wind is blowing, and you have to hid behind a tree so the force doesn't knock you off the mountain. If you don't have tree hiding behind down really well, this task can get quite INFURIATING. For some reason, I got really pissed at it while playing the DS version...I don't recall having that much of a struggle on my first two psone play-throughs. But regardless, I'm trying to turn that rather geeky reference into a metaphor pertaining to my emotional status.

I'm trying to run up a mountain. Mostly likely not Mt. Woe though. But I'm so freakin' afraid. Terrified. At times, I can beat a deer in the headlights for expressions of shock. Just ask anyone who has interrupted one of my deep thought processes. I look either upset or mad. I don't know; I can't see my own face without a mirror. Duh. I refuse to let the wind touch me. It might disturb my hair or sting my eyes; it might leave me vulnerable. A wind tunnel is a constant barrage. A cold, real barrage. I can't live with that. So I hide behind trees as I climb. I'm still making the climb, experiencing the various peaks, but in most circumstances, I'm not about the expose myself to the world.

I don't know if the wind is cold; I don't know if I should be crying know. I'm feeling numb. Not sure what to do. If I'm happy or just RUNNING AWAY. BEING LAZY. DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

WHATEVER IT IS.

I NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT.

lmao.

I don't get it.

Yes, you do.

See, I am afraid of being knocked off the mountain, afraid I don't deserve to being climbing that mountain. I'm used to seeing myself as a loser who doesn't get anywhere. But now, I kinda have a new persona. I'm not a loser. I have a lot to offer the world. I'm afriad to let the world see me because I'm afraid the world will reject me...again. I can make it higher hiding behind the trees...

But do you know I am here world?