Just something.

I'm actually not composing this message in Facebook's message box because the cursor is unbearable awful once you type a certain amount. That info is all but useless, btw.

It's been my intention to write you a full-fledged message since like the second week of summer. But, of course, this info is useless too since actions are much more important than intentions. But now, I'm acting on some of my clarity. Or something like that.

I have two constrasting theories about how people realize what they are meant to be doing (well, I'm sure I can come up with more, but these two ideas are what are on my mind most right now.)

1. The Electric Maze Theory: Basically, I just walk through life making decisions spur of the moment, and I only know I'm on the right path because I finally don't face as much resistance. If I make a wrong turn, I hit the wall, and get shocked so I know I need to try something different. If you think about the dynamics of a blind-folded person walking through a maze, you can understand how this more-or-less trial or error method of getting through life. With enough persistence, you can make it to the end of the maze to your goal. In psychological terms, this method would be called a algorithum. But doesn't that just sound so mechanical?

2. The Rock Wall Theory: Imagine climbing up a step cliff in the fog. The little holes where you can grab on to or stick your foot are the insights we gain in life. That is to say, we often do not know where we are going until we get very close to that moment, and then it justs hits us. Or well, even if there wasn't the fog, you can plan out your route, but you still have to pull yourself up and keep hanging on. Someone who influenced me in highschool once told me "not to quit on myself. All I needed to do was to stand up, and I could reach the next hold" (PE teacher on climbing rock walls). I acutally just mentioned fog because lately my mind has been muddled between regret, anxiety and fear for the furure. But let's leave this analogy like this: life is like (we'll make it a simile since a metaphor might be a tad too strong for the occasion)a climbing wall. It's a steep climb to the top, but they're are people -who you have to trust- to catch you. You can plan your path, but sometimes you'll need a detour, or you'll slip. A lot comes down to trust. Trusting yourself to reach that next stage, trusting those around you to support you and trusting the system not to up and collaspe.

And I don't remember where I was going with these analogies. But they do tie into this next idea: Remember when I told you I wanted to try writing a novel over summer? Well, I have been unable to write fiction. Yeah, I can reflect upon things just fine, but I can't focus my thoughts enough to create the scenes needed for fiction. What's bugging me is that my goals seem to have completely shifted since I left school in May. The one thing I've always known I wanted to do was to do something great, which is such a vague thing. I have no clue what I want to do. No clue.

So I'm thinking instead of making plans and trying to force myself to stick to them, I work better when I am open minded about my actions and do what I feel I should be doing at that moment in time. And I'll find the answer that way. Since I love analogies so much: It's going through life with a set mold, and you can't predict or try to force your experiences into that mold. Ugh, I can't articulate this one as well. Sorry. In my mind, I'm imagining some plastic mold that I'm trying to fill, but the pieces I keep finding don't fit.

You know, I really scare myself when I get all insightful because my whole life, I have never taken myself seriously. I have always put myself down and figured things would never work out for me. Now I know I am better than that, know I will find my way. But regardless, I think my change in attitude is also the cause of my anxiety, which is definitely a paradox. Let's call me a tug boat (or some other waterfaring vessel that clung to the shore) that know understands that I need to cross the ocean. Culture shock.

Since I plan on "going places," I've decided I need to okay with change. I wrote this last night: "I will no longer be sad about the things I've lost, the people who no longer walk beside me. I will only mourn the progress I haven't made. When I look at my life, I know this place I am now is not where I want to be. I can't take everything and everyone with me so it is natural that something will have to take their rightful place in my past. I am moving forward, becoming -slowly- the person I am meant to be. I cannot imagine what lies around the bend, but I'm going their. I'll keep moving forward, chasing that ellusive meaning I know I must."

This message might already be too long for FB. If so, I'll give you this link.