Insightful Much?

This post is basically a continuation of the previous one except that it really isn't directed at my friend since I'm not sure if she would understand some of what I'm going to say.

But I've been thinking a lot (okay, what else is new...*eyeroll*) about why I've become so anxious this past five or so months. The obvious answer is change. A shift in the people I talk to regurarly. Moving. Some other personal drama coming to a close. But all these things were positive for the most part, I think, so by themselves they shouldn't induce this much anxiety.

So my working explaination is the lack of anxiety makes me anxious. That is to say I have come to know 'drama' so well that when they is no drama I still get upset because I feel like something is missing. I think I'm scared of freedom, sacred that I will make the wrong choice without someone directing me at most steps.

I'm wary of my own voice. I'm afraid to hear what I have to say, afraid I might be right and afraid I might just sound stupid. I've done things in the past years that I never imagined I would, and it is so difficult for me to shift my perception of myself.

I have some very contrasting ideas about myself: Part of me thinks I am insane. The other part thinks I am great! I have these incredibly high exceptations for myself. Possibley because I dreamed up a wonderful person as an escape method when I was really,desperately in need of an escape when I was growing up. Or maybe because I know I have never really put my all into anything, and I can do so much better than I ever have.

I think I've always sagotaged myself because I have been afraid of success, because I don't want to deal with what comes with that success. It's like not opening a door because you know the wind beyond the lock will blow you off your feet.

Oi. Eyes are drying up. Time to turn AC on and try to sleep on the couch...