Message #2

I always compose my messages to you in other word processing places because I hate the scrolling problem Facebook's messaging system has...

This is another letter to a friend.

I honestly am so touched by your words, so touched that I'm not even sure I wanted to respond because, perhaps, anything I said now would sound so much less poetic. But, of course, that attitude undermines my point. Progress. Here's another glimpse into the workings of my mind: Is life a continuum or does it have distinct stages? An example with words would look this: doesthissentencerepresentlifeican'treallydecide or does this sentence work better. because it has punctation? (except that second fragment isn't a sentence....). I hate saying that distinct "chunks" compose our lives because that theory lends itself to creating disconnects. Like we can only know something is new because it is not the same as what we previously experienced. I dislike seperation like that because so much in life is mostly similar. Then where does the "sorting" end. Now our brains chunk and sort information, and I usually stick with the explanation that mirrors nature, but this time I'm not entirely sure...Oh another thing that challenges my love of analogies. A few nights I was watching this show about the beginning of the universe (at like 5am too), and some scientist dude presented an idea that universes come in cycles. After thinking about it for awhile, I freaked. You know why? Because capitalism comes in cycles too. So quantum pyshics supports capitalism?! I'm not sure I am okay with that. I'm not opposed to capitalism; I just don't like the idea that people are OKAY with the idea that people's lives will rise and fall with the economy. I want there to be a better way. I am certainly not an economist (or a quantum phsyicist for that matter. But I do seem to be a philosopher...)

I walked away half way through this message so now I don't remember my previous thought process. And now I'm tired. Praise scares me. But it sets expectations. I am terrifed of wasting potential. I'm not really that great. I aspire to be that great. Thoughts are one thing; turning our ideas into action is another.

But uh, I cut that paragraph from a letter I wrote to the girl I was best friends with in high school. I don't think she is ever going to read it, though, for two reasons. Because I don't really want her to think that I am still thinking about her, and because I don't want to waste my talent on her. I didn't start writing that letter to prove I changed. I got the idea from my other high school friend who told me that she too still had lingering feelings for Alex. She sent her a message about these unresolved issues, and that helped her so she advised me to do the same thing. I didn't exactly end up writing a letter to her. It was more to myself, which to me means two things. She is always with me, and it wasn't necesarly her I was cling to but the idea of her. You can read the whole letter. It's metaphorical in a few other places. I'm actually not completely finish. I wrote that two weeks ago, and I read the outcome to my other friend. Reading something aloud is kinda a big deal for me because I DON'T want people knowing my thoughts, seeing beyond the surface I can easily control.

Basically the point was I had to let go. I couldn't keep making myself feel bad. Let's say my past is a lemon. Okay so I could easily leave that lemon alone because no one needs lemons. But if you think about all the random recipes that call for a tad bit of lemon extract or zest for that added acid (like I was making apple pie on Sharon's birthday, and the recipe called for lemon juice. I mean I didn't add it, but the point remains...) For the sake of my metaphor, the point of the lemon will be add a little more dimension to life, to further refine the experience. Completely unnecesary though. The dilemna comes in because it's hard to ignore the lemon ( we tend to be nagged by things we can't have, right?), but touching the lemon burns our skin (acidic! and hyperbole...) The objective is to squeeze the juice from the lemon without the pain winning...that is to say, learn from the past without sucked in. In my life, I was at a point where I had squeezed all the juice but couldn't seem to send my skins to the compost pile. I'm not one to leave things unresolved.

Hah. I'm tired. Nonsensical fruit metaphors ftw! Which reminds me of the sign on the grocery store wall that read "vegetables," but featured the picture of a tomato =_= For the record, I am NOT loving on the sucky "if make hands you lemons..." cliche. I can debate the usefulness of that line if need be, but I'm not going to...

I can't really tell you if my "letter" worked. It's really easy to scheme up a new philosophy from the peace of your bedroom (or in my case, the front room with the air conditioner...expect I think I was in the bedroom, which makes this entire sentence useless!), but when you have to put that life philosophy into practice, you face the trials. I talk in second person, probably because I consider most people to have somewhat similar thoughts. I'll just show you. But first I gotta finish writing...

Oh and another reason I know I changed: I came to understand that Simone Simons (she's the singer from Epica who I was totally infatuated with...lmao.) cannot be my hero. Her materialistic tendences contradicted far too much with Epica's message. It created too much dissonance for me. I can't change that I idolize people, but my idol should represent at least a large percent of what I would like to be. To me, who I idolize is a big deal.

I know I'm strange. But I've put a lot of struggle into being this strange, and for that reason, I enjoy it.