Message #2

I always compose my messages to you in other word processing places because I hate the scrolling problem Facebook's messaging system has...

This is another letter to a friend.

I honestly am so touched by your words, so touched that I'm not even sure I wanted to respond because, perhaps, anything I said now would sound so much less poetic. But, of course, that attitude undermines my point. Progress. Here's another glimpse into the workings of my mind: Is life a continuum or does it have distinct stages? An example with words would look this: doesthissentencerepresentlifeican'treallydecide or does this sentence work better. because it has punctation? (except that second fragment isn't a sentence....). I hate saying that distinct "chunks" compose our lives because that theory lends itself to creating disconnects. Like we can only know something is new because it is not the same as what we previously experienced. I dislike seperation like that because so much in life is mostly similar. Then where does the "sorting" end. Now our brains chunk and sort information, and I usually stick with the explanation that mirrors nature, but this time I'm not entirely sure...Oh another thing that challenges my love of analogies. A few nights I was watching this show about the beginning of the universe (at like 5am too), and some scientist dude presented an idea that universes come in cycles. After thinking about it for awhile, I freaked. You know why? Because capitalism comes in cycles too. So quantum pyshics supports capitalism?! I'm not sure I am okay with that. I'm not opposed to capitalism; I just don't like the idea that people are OKAY with the idea that people's lives will rise and fall with the economy. I want there to be a better way. I am certainly not an economist (or a quantum phsyicist for that matter. But I do seem to be a philosopher...)

I walked away half way through this message so now I don't remember my previous thought process. And now I'm tired. Praise scares me. But it sets expectations. I am terrifed of wasting potential. I'm not really that great. I aspire to be that great. Thoughts are one thing; turning our ideas into action is another.

But uh, I cut that paragraph from a letter I wrote to the girl I was best friends with in high school. I don't think she is ever going to read it, though, for two reasons. Because I don't really want her to think that I am still thinking about her, and because I don't want to waste my talent on her. I didn't start writing that letter to prove I changed. I got the idea from my other high school friend who told me that she too still had lingering feelings for Alex. She sent her a message about these unresolved issues, and that helped her so she advised me to do the same thing. I didn't exactly end up writing a letter to her. It was more to myself, which to me means two things. She is always with me, and it wasn't necesarly her I was cling to but the idea of her. You can read the whole letter. It's metaphorical in a few other places. I'm actually not completely finish. I wrote that two weeks ago, and I read the outcome to my other friend. Reading something aloud is kinda a big deal for me because I DON'T want people knowing my thoughts, seeing beyond the surface I can easily control.

Basically the point was I had to let go. I couldn't keep making myself feel bad. Let's say my past is a lemon. Okay so I could easily leave that lemon alone because no one needs lemons. But if you think about all the random recipes that call for a tad bit of lemon extract or zest for that added acid (like I was making apple pie on Sharon's birthday, and the recipe called for lemon juice. I mean I didn't add it, but the point remains...) For the sake of my metaphor, the point of the lemon will be add a little more dimension to life, to further refine the experience. Completely unnecesary though. The dilemna comes in because it's hard to ignore the lemon ( we tend to be nagged by things we can't have, right?), but touching the lemon burns our skin (acidic! and hyperbole...) The objective is to squeeze the juice from the lemon without the pain winning...that is to say, learn from the past without sucked in. In my life, I was at a point where I had squeezed all the juice but couldn't seem to send my skins to the compost pile. I'm not one to leave things unresolved.

Hah. I'm tired. Nonsensical fruit metaphors ftw! Which reminds me of the sign on the grocery store wall that read "vegetables," but featured the picture of a tomato =_= For the record, I am NOT loving on the sucky "if make hands you lemons..." cliche. I can debate the usefulness of that line if need be, but I'm not going to...

I can't really tell you if my "letter" worked. It's really easy to scheme up a new philosophy from the peace of your bedroom (or in my case, the front room with the air conditioner...expect I think I was in the bedroom, which makes this entire sentence useless!), but when you have to put that life philosophy into practice, you face the trials. I talk in second person, probably because I consider most people to have somewhat similar thoughts. I'll just show you. But first I gotta finish writing...

Oh and another reason I know I changed: I came to understand that Simone Simons (she's the singer from Epica who I was totally infatuated with...lmao.) cannot be my hero. Her materialistic tendences contradicted far too much with Epica's message. It created too much dissonance for me. I can't change that I idolize people, but my idol should represent at least a large percent of what I would like to be. To me, who I idolize is a big deal.

I know I'm strange. But I've put a lot of struggle into being this strange, and for that reason, I enjoy it.

Almost Too...

Excited for the future! Almost so excited that I"m starting to get extremely anxious and not know what to do with myself.

I mean I've been having a lot of fun lately...Things seem to be slightly looking up again. Not that ever weren't--just I was bogged down by thoughts that I was wasting my life and thoughts about Alex and Sarah....So, yeah. I guess now I'm beginning to let go.

I've always found hope in idealism. Thus the the desire to "save the world." Which is why I'm so dang excited about the opportunity to go to Cali for a weekend for FeelGood. A whole weekend in Cali with other people who think like me! So inspiring!!!

Speaking of inspiring, I have a new hero. (well, sorta Sharon will always be my unspoken favorite. For me, Sharon's the paramount of everything that I good in the world. Unrealistic? Of course, but who cares, you know!) But for awhile, earlier this year, I was totally comparing myself to Simone, thinkingI wasn't as good as person because I wasn't as accomplished. Really bad idea, btw. First of all, none of my desires even have anything to do with Simone's. I don't want to sing. So why compare?

With that said, Simone really can't be my idol since you know, what do I really have to learn from her? Okay, so we have something to learn from everyone, but as I grow, I think...Oi, I found something more interesting than my silly rants.

Insightful Much?

This post is basically a continuation of the previous one except that it really isn't directed at my friend since I'm not sure if she would understand some of what I'm going to say.

But I've been thinking a lot (okay, what else is new...*eyeroll*) about why I've become so anxious this past five or so months. The obvious answer is change. A shift in the people I talk to regurarly. Moving. Some other personal drama coming to a close. But all these things were positive for the most part, I think, so by themselves they shouldn't induce this much anxiety.

So my working explaination is the lack of anxiety makes me anxious. That is to say I have come to know 'drama' so well that when they is no drama I still get upset because I feel like something is missing. I think I'm scared of freedom, sacred that I will make the wrong choice without someone directing me at most steps.

I'm wary of my own voice. I'm afraid to hear what I have to say, afraid I might be right and afraid I might just sound stupid. I've done things in the past years that I never imagined I would, and it is so difficult for me to shift my perception of myself.

I have some very contrasting ideas about myself: Part of me thinks I am insane. The other part thinks I am great! I have these incredibly high exceptations for myself. Possibley because I dreamed up a wonderful person as an escape method when I was really,desperately in need of an escape when I was growing up. Or maybe because I know I have never really put my all into anything, and I can do so much better than I ever have.

I think I've always sagotaged myself because I have been afraid of success, because I don't want to deal with what comes with that success. It's like not opening a door because you know the wind beyond the lock will blow you off your feet.

Oi. Eyes are drying up. Time to turn AC on and try to sleep on the couch...

Just something.

I'm actually not composing this message in Facebook's message box because the cursor is unbearable awful once you type a certain amount. That info is all but useless, btw.

It's been my intention to write you a full-fledged message since like the second week of summer. But, of course, this info is useless too since actions are much more important than intentions. But now, I'm acting on some of my clarity. Or something like that.

I have two constrasting theories about how people realize what they are meant to be doing (well, I'm sure I can come up with more, but these two ideas are what are on my mind most right now.)

1. The Electric Maze Theory: Basically, I just walk through life making decisions spur of the moment, and I only know I'm on the right path because I finally don't face as much resistance. If I make a wrong turn, I hit the wall, and get shocked so I know I need to try something different. If you think about the dynamics of a blind-folded person walking through a maze, you can understand how this more-or-less trial or error method of getting through life. With enough persistence, you can make it to the end of the maze to your goal. In psychological terms, this method would be called a algorithum. But doesn't that just sound so mechanical?

2. The Rock Wall Theory: Imagine climbing up a step cliff in the fog. The little holes where you can grab on to or stick your foot are the insights we gain in life. That is to say, we often do not know where we are going until we get very close to that moment, and then it justs hits us. Or well, even if there wasn't the fog, you can plan out your route, but you still have to pull yourself up and keep hanging on. Someone who influenced me in highschool once told me "not to quit on myself. All I needed to do was to stand up, and I could reach the next hold" (PE teacher on climbing rock walls). I acutally just mentioned fog because lately my mind has been muddled between regret, anxiety and fear for the furure. But let's leave this analogy like this: life is like (we'll make it a simile since a metaphor might be a tad too strong for the occasion)a climbing wall. It's a steep climb to the top, but they're are people -who you have to trust- to catch you. You can plan your path, but sometimes you'll need a detour, or you'll slip. A lot comes down to trust. Trusting yourself to reach that next stage, trusting those around you to support you and trusting the system not to up and collaspe.

And I don't remember where I was going with these analogies. But they do tie into this next idea: Remember when I told you I wanted to try writing a novel over summer? Well, I have been unable to write fiction. Yeah, I can reflect upon things just fine, but I can't focus my thoughts enough to create the scenes needed for fiction. What's bugging me is that my goals seem to have completely shifted since I left school in May. The one thing I've always known I wanted to do was to do something great, which is such a vague thing. I have no clue what I want to do. No clue.

So I'm thinking instead of making plans and trying to force myself to stick to them, I work better when I am open minded about my actions and do what I feel I should be doing at that moment in time. And I'll find the answer that way. Since I love analogies so much: It's going through life with a set mold, and you can't predict or try to force your experiences into that mold. Ugh, I can't articulate this one as well. Sorry. In my mind, I'm imagining some plastic mold that I'm trying to fill, but the pieces I keep finding don't fit.

You know, I really scare myself when I get all insightful because my whole life, I have never taken myself seriously. I have always put myself down and figured things would never work out for me. Now I know I am better than that, know I will find my way. But regardless, I think my change in attitude is also the cause of my anxiety, which is definitely a paradox. Let's call me a tug boat (or some other waterfaring vessel that clung to the shore) that know understands that I need to cross the ocean. Culture shock.

Since I plan on "going places," I've decided I need to okay with change. I wrote this last night: "I will no longer be sad about the things I've lost, the people who no longer walk beside me. I will only mourn the progress I haven't made. When I look at my life, I know this place I am now is not where I want to be. I can't take everything and everyone with me so it is natural that something will have to take their rightful place in my past. I am moving forward, becoming -slowly- the person I am meant to be. I cannot imagine what lies around the bend, but I'm going their. I'll keep moving forward, chasing that ellusive meaning I know I must."

This message might already be too long for FB. If so, I'll give you this link.

Loss.

I will no longer be sad about the things I've lost, the people who no longer walk beside me. I will only mourn the progress I haven't made. When I look at my life, I know this place I am now is not where I want to be. I can't take everything and everyone with me so it is natural that something will have to take their rightful place in my past. I am moving forward, becoming -slowly- the person I am meant to be. I cannot imagine what lies around the bend, but I'm going their. I'll keep moving forward, chasing that ellusive meaning I know I must.

You and I will always be together. In our pasts, in our story- the same story that got me started as a writer.