Anxiety

Dear World,

I am quite anxious today. The future makes me anxious. Reality scares me. As time progresses I move closer toward reality, but still, this college student persona is a brilliant shield. I applied for a job today...But the really scary thought was this: I'm going to try to take a GRE prep class. I might take the test in fall and see what score I get. Maybe I'll graduate early from college. Who knows? Is going to grad school a year early worth not going to Europe? See I'm freakin out! I just want to get a peaceful job now and make money over the summer...not worrying about life! OI!!!

Thanks,
Amy

Lonely.

Upon further examination of my life, I've discovered I'm very lonely. Now I previously had a theory that I had lots of pent up sexual tension, but this time I think I actually want to have a companion...something who will be there with me all the time, will understand all my inside jokes, will tease me with the best intentions, will just know...and who is, of course, as witty and brilliant as me. I imagined her as being as those things. I wanted her to be all those things.

I see so many of my friends with guys (hell, I'm not even so picky that I want someone of the opposite sex...know let's rephrase: I DON'T KNOW IF I WANT SOMEONE OF THE SAME OR OPPOSITE SEX. WTF. I DON'T KNOW WHAT MY SEXUAL PREFERENCE IS!!!), and I genuinely feel bad. Because I guess that's what life is about...striving to find a partner.

So I guess I'm lonely. I would like a boy/girl friend. Didn't think I'd ever say that. Aren't I going to be all like OMGNOWAITHAT'SSOGROSS. Probably not. I would probably in no way associate romance with THAT. OMG, THIS IS SO WEIRD! OMG.OMG.OMG. I'M KINDA INDEPENDENT SO FOR ME TO WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP...I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK.

BUT I DO. I WANT A SIGNIFICANT OTHER.

Illusion

I'm thinking I should be listening to Illusive Consensus while typing a blob entitled "Illusion," but I'm still hopelessly obsessed (and crushing on...UGH) Michelle Branch. Oh I know, maybe if I totally see this obsession through I'll forget about the real life female I'm in love with (that's what happened over winter break when I was HOPELESSLY IN LOVE WITH SIMONE) Okay. I'm not IN LOVE. More or less just...crushing on...like I said. Now Hotel Paper =_= I swear Mrs. FEMMEMETALFTW needs to hide under a rock and listen to this music. I feel a little weird...It's like LOVE SONGS as compared to Epica's POLITICALLY RELEVANT, QUANTUM PHSYICS SUPER COMPLICATED SONGS!

I think I'm going to force myself to listen to EPICA because listening to Hotel Paper on repeat is not good for my heart...*dangles a picture of Simone in front of self* You know who you really love

But the point of this post was to reflect on how I feel like so much of my past is an illusion because in the present, I feel so discconnected from it. That is- how could that ever have been true since it is so untrue now?

"DESTROY THIS ILLUSION. WE NEED A CHANGE OF FATE."

Oh yes, this song is brillant!

See some much changes in life...much more changing than I ever noticed before...like the friends from last year...you might not even talk to now...or things that really bothered you last year, might not even cross your mind now.

In my case, I dream of writing myself a past that doesn't include any running away, any depression, any pain, any insanity, any weakness. I want to be as "perfect" as I am now...Now let's refrain that: I want to able to say I was the person I am now always...I don't want to tell people. "Yeah, I talk a lot and am confident and determined now, but I used to want to kill myself...lmao." That's a sob story.

Okay. WHO CARES? OBSESSION MUCH. GO OBSESS OVER SIMONE. GO. RUN. NOW. YOU'RE NOT OBSESSION FAST ENOUGH. FASTER!!!!

This reminds me of the facebook bumper sticker: Do you prefere top or bottom? Complete a picture of a BUNK BED. Oh trust me. I could break on of those real fast. I couldn't really since...well you know, something about me never...THAT'S REALLY WHAT THIS IS ABOUT!

But really I must still be ASHAMED of something. Of what I do, of what I was, of who I like...OF WHO I AM?

Oh...Simone really is attractive<3 OH I REMIND EARLIER THIS YEAR WHEN I WAS TOTALLY COMPARING MYSELF TO SIMONE. LIKE SIMONE IS BETTER THAN ME. WHEN SHE WAS TWENTY, LOOK WHAT SHE COULD DO. OH EVERYONE LOVES SIMONE!

I'm like the dog who will endlessly chase his (or her since you know, I'm a girl...actually I consider myself mostly sexly nuetral...which is dumb because I obviously care about those things...OMG!I MIGHT BE ON TO SOMETHING) tail until someone throws a chew toy for HER to chase...

Observe: Amy runs in circles feeling bad because it's summer and she didn't see Sarah and her life is meaningless and she has been listening to Tuesday Morning on repeat all day. Amy realizes she is about to fall over from dizziness so Amy throws a toaster off to the right. BTW, THE TOAST MAKES SIMONE TOAST! Amy chases the toaster and thus break the depressing cycle that is chasing your tail.

No, I'm not on drugs. Why would you ask that?

*sigh* FOREVER WASN'T EVER LONG ENOUGH. I WILL REFRAIN. I FEEL A PASSION WASHING OVER ME TO SHED THE SKIN I'M IN. and I didn't understand the next line...of Sancta Terra..

I think it is safe to say I'm not about to admit what I'm really afraid of. I'm afriad to admit that I have failed. Mostly, I guess, I have failed to keep in contact with people, and then I feel bad when relationships seem to fade away...Then I'm too afraid that they'll reject me to even try to talk with them again...VICIOUS CYCLE MUCH. Oh look! YOU'RE NOT PERFECT. WHO SAID YOU WERE PERFECT. I did. Yeah. I'm perfect in relative compare myself to the past terms...THAN STOP COMPARING TO THE PAST? BUT IT IS HARD NOT TO?

IT'S CHASING THE DRAGON TIME! *SIGH* I might just stop screaming and start crying now...AND NOW I FEEL LIEK GOING CRAZY. LALALALAAA. I MAKE MYSELF CRAZY. STOP PROJECTIG. STOP RUNNING. AND FACE REALITY. Please?

Been almost...

A week since I got out of school. Time seems to be passing slower than it really is, I guess.

Oh I know, now I'm going to talk about how I haven't done anything productive since I've been home, and now I feel so utterly depressed and blah, blah, blah.

No, actually I think I'd rant about how much I love Sarah and how bad I feel that we're not together. I mean I've spent the past week imagining us together. We'd be the best of friends and tease each other somewhat mercilessly, but at the end of the day, we'd somehow come together...you know, like the I WANT TO KILL YOU! SO MUCH I WANT TO KISS YOU. YIP. THAT'S ME FOR YOU.

Meh, somewhat meaningless. So I'll talk about how today was an eventful night...the friggin' carbon monoxide detector going off...the bug...the short loss of cable service...finnish the anime series I was watching...NO, THAT'S NOT VERY INTERESTING.

Still...

Didn't finnish my end of the year report...and to think she said all those nice things about me too. I'm just jaded, I guess.

Now I have to find something interesitng to fill this post with (cuz that secretly was what I wanted...)

Now I'm listening to After Forever and I don't know the words to their songs so I can't quite them like I did other music...except BEING EVERYONE. I love that song...

Oh I got a new watch today! Now my wrist isn't lonely. I'm a watch-a-holic, what can I say. "Tell me what you see. Are we just being everyone?"

I WANT THE RED VELVET PANCAKES! GRRRR.

Hah!

Back to the steady stream of depressing posts...But I have a theory! When I'm not with people who I can readily talk to, I find it necessary to type and type until I get all my feelings out. Dang, what's the exact line to that song...Breathe (2am)...Something like this..."2am and I'm up writing this song so these words are no longer inside of me threatening the life they belong to"

Oh no, now I want to listen to Evanescence. I should just delete all of their music from my computer. Though when they tour, I do want to go see them...especially if they come to Champaign...because then maybe I could use my awesome Buzz job to get a pass...Yeah, I've thought this one out.

Resisted the urge...after a bit of Imaginary.

List of songs that seriously effected my life (AS IN I REMEBER A SPECIFIC POINT IN TIME WHERE I LISTENED TO IT...pointless caps...):
Small Two of Pieces (it's the song from Xenogears...don't ask...)
Maybe Tomorrow
IMAGINARY

This is a bad list because now I want to list off all the bands I listed a few posts ago...because I seriously didn't used to do anything but sit on the computer and listen to music. Oh I forgot to mention Something Corporate on that list. I went through a major obsession with them. Hah, I love how I somehow ended up MAJORLY obsessed with femme metal.

I'm going to break a femme metal rule here, but honestly, sometimes I can't tell the difference between Simone's and Floor's voice. Like subtract one Dutch girl and add in another in her place and...THEY'LL NEVER KNOW. IT'S NOT LIKE THE ANETTE-TARJA SWAP. GRRRR. OH I SO HOPE THAT TARJA TOURS WHILE I'M IN EUROPE. I WANT TO STALK THAT FINN.

"I wish I was special, so fuckin' special. BUT I'M A CREEP. I'M A WEIRDO."

So apparently there is such a thing as RED VELVET PANCAKES! That's like a combination of two of my favorite things! LIKE BEYOND ME IS A COMBO OF SHARON AND ....OMG THIS NEEDS TO BE IN SOMETHING BIGGER THAN CAPS BECAUSE IT PROVES EXACTLY WHAT I WAS SAYING MY ABOVE PARAGRAPH. OMG. OMG. OMG. I WAS GOING TO TYPE...BEYOND ME COMBINES SHARON AND SIMONE. x_X x6969696969696969!

Floor and Sharon.

Huge difference.

Huge tangent.

Semblance of Confusion. Semblance of Liberty. Semblance of Sanity? I think that one should be next...

Actually I just think I type until I'm so delirious from typing that everything is funny...EVERYTHING IS FUNNY! Anyway...off to do something productive...as in play video games =_=

So I am sad?

"Please don't drive me home tonight. I don't want to feel alone."

That lines reminds me of two and a half years ago, sitting outside your condo talking about everything and nothing. I remember being happy.

Pointless memory, but since Tuesday Morning is the song of the day (okay maybe I shouldn't go that far, but I do have a slight crush on Michelle Branch right now...Yeah, I'm that random. I'm not even going to deny my love for females anymore...No point. So I crush on females, so what I imagine myself with a girl)

As I was saying in the notebook I was trying to write a story about my fantasy in (lmao. Yeah, I want to write a "fictional love story between me and her), I love comparing my life to four years ago. Why maybe I should listen to Evanescence and call it a night! Actually I think I'll avoid THAT AT ALL COSTS. I'm going to keep listening to Michelle Branch because I can be pretty sure I never tried killing myself while listening to this...Ev on the other hand *eye roll*...That really isn't a funny joke. It is funny how I listen to a CD backwards...starting with the last song and then after every song ends, changing it to the song above.

Anyway, maybe I should start HERE: I feel really bad that out of the group I hung out with in high school, all of them but me went to ACEN this year. Last year, I had a good excuse- this year my absence only reminds me of my failure. And if you don't think I failed then...WHAT ABOUT THE FRIENDS I LOST CONACT WITH? I'm going to leave it at that because I'm not really sure if saying I "forsaked" my past is the best term...more like "grew away from..." Do I feel guilty? Like I did two years ago when I let you guys down? Yeah, I think so. Because I told you that I don't think I'd ever find friends as good as you guys...Then I had to stop talking to her. Then you stopped talking to them. And BLAH, I CRIED SO MUCH ABOUT THIS LAST YEAR. "I'm finding my way back to you and everything I used to do." But I obviously don't want to go back...No, let me re-phrase that: I want to go back to my friends-not the context. That's a simple enough request, right? So what if things aren't ever the same. People are the same. We've all just grown. That book series said "The people that matter we will see again."

Will I ever see you again? What would happen if I saw you again? Do I even want to see you again?

*sigh* "Waiting to find a way back to you cuz that's where I'm home."

Fours years ago, I faced lots of emptiness, lots of depression. Once I heard about the release of XS3, I thought of nothing else...I didn't have anything else to think about. After his death, our entire world was shaken. But you know back then, even after hearing My Immortal, I couldn't cry. It was just yet another unexplainable tragedy passing me. I love you guys...the friends who were with me then...

But now four years later, I don't think there is a curse that says all even years will be bad. Hell, I might say sophmore year of college was better than freshman year. Yeah, I would say that, but I would also say I'm going to make junior year even beter...I was really happy at the end of the semester. A lot of things did happen during the semester. It was a hard time. I'm not going to deny that, not in the least. Sitting here in this new apartment, new neighborhood I couldn't possiblely say that honestly I didn't hurt about any of this. I wonder if my mother ever thought that moving hurt me as much as it did...I was the one happy about moving. I'm always the one happy about everything. "I bleed to avoid the pain." Actually that lyric doesn't really sum up my emotions...That Rise Aganist song...Ah, I remember the line..."I laugh this constant pain away" Maybe that is a bit overkill, but you get the point.

I feel so bad because I do understand that I am growing up...in the sense that I am becoming who I am meant to be. As in, FeelGood has shown me that there are other people who really believe in humanity and know that we can make a difference. It was like seeing a glimpse of what things CAN be like...for me, for the world. But you know, I'm not there yet. I'm still HERE. looking in the window at the life I want. I mean, in the past, that window was just a dream so I have made it somewhere considering it is now reality, but still...NOT FAR ENOUGH. Perhaps that is why I so wanted to go on that Mexico trip. That would be the first realization of my dreams...The first time I got to do what I really wanted. Because everyone who "knows" me knows that all I really want is to help people...That's the reason I am where I am now.

I'm torn. I've always been torn, caught between two worlds. "If you've always been caught between worlds, then build your own world." That's sorta cheesey.

I think I'm going to start crying now because all these stupid love songs remind me that I don't have anyone to feel bad about losing...BECAUSE THE PERSON I WAS IN LOVE IS A FEMALE WHO WOULDN'T FEEL THE WAY I DID BECAUSE I'M ALSO A FEMALE AND PLUS I THINK SHE HATED ME BECAUSE I WAS MEAN TO HER BECAUSE I WAS TRYING TO DISGUISE THE FACT THAT I WAS IN LOVE WITH HER.

HOW FAIR IS THAT?

Dear Sarah,

I'm in love with you. I wanted to get to know you since the third week of school. I teased you because I wanted to have contact with you, because I wanted you to think of me.

Truthfully yours,
Me. (i'm not typing my name so this can't be traced back to me...because "I write mostly on hotel paper / knowing my thoughts will never leave this room)

Tired

SO TIRED!

I could have slept all day...It's going to take me a while to recover from the semester, catch up on sleep and get into a more relaxed state of mind.

Today was a nice first day of break: saw my best friend, napped and played FF13.

I don't have much to say. lol. Nothing too profond, but if you insist...

It's funny to think how things have changed since I met my best friend, how many people have entered and left my life...yet through all of that, she is still here (why did typing "still here" make me want to listen to "Everything?") Incidentally, I simply have a thing for female singers!

Actually I do have something to dicuss. When I go back and listen to music I used to like, I don't understand how I ever could have listened to this stuff. Like Evanescence...ALL THEIR SONGS ARE ABOUT WANTING TO DIE! WTF. Okay just for the purpose of arugment, I'm going to listen to Imaginary, which was my FAVORITE song during high schoool. Actually Imaginary isn't the best example...I think that song really did help me a lot. It's VERY, VERY true. I'll never forget though how many times My Immortal made me cry. When someone played it after he died, when I was talking to her thinking about all my insecuries, when I sat there (I can't even type cutting so...) hurting myself. Yeah. I think it goes without saying, if I listened to Ev enough, I remember my past. I would remember what it feels like to be depressed. "Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken. Hello. I am the lie living for you so you can hide." Yeah. After this line, I'm going to return to something happier, but 1. I was broken. Very, very broken. 2. I did a very good job "living for you so you can hide."

Actually, let's see what other bands I used to like a lot...The Forecast (which is incidentally an indie-band from central Illinois), HIM (still listen to a little, but I tend to not like depressing things...)...and well, Nightwish (I didn't truly apprieciate them until last year though XD).

I've thought about writing myself a new past-one that doesn't include what mine does. I mean not because I'm ashamed or don't like it. I mean I DO like my past. I just want a past that is consist with who I am now, one I can tell people about.

Going to listen to maybe tomorrow now. That's the song from XS3. Four years ago, All I Wanted (capitalized because that's a song title)was to play that game. That's a PERFECT example of having nothing else in your life...and obsession.

I think I'm going to block off that road.

Home

Yeah. I left this evening...after applying for a passport and handing in all the hard copies of stuff I need for my study abroad application. I didn't get to say goodbye to her...or even see her again. I had many, long goodbyes with other friends...

Now here I am. In our apartment. Home?

Waiting for The Sims 3 to install. Not wanting to go to sleep even though quite honestly exhausted.

I'll reflect upon sophmore year when I'm not so tired, when my mind is a little more profond.

Excited....for now..

BECAUSE WHEN YOU WAKE UP AT 6AM ON THE LAST MORNING OF THE SEMESTER WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO FEEL?

Concerned because you didn't finish studying cog. psych? Worried you aren't packed?

I think not.

Really Sad

Well I managed to complete the first part of today's mission: keep up in time for the blueberry pancakes at breakfast.

Other plans: FAIL. Since I'm not working on my paper. Instead I'm reflecting on my sorrows. But this post isn't sad; I'm not going to talk about how I want to kill myself or anything...just talk about how I wish things were different...while listening to "Tuesday Morning" BTW: It's Wednesday morning...Tomorrow is Thursday, the day of my last final.

Dream: I dreamed I ended up at the convention with my friends who were very happy to see me. I dreamed she came up to me and wanted to take a picture. I still dream that we are together again. RB was also in that dream- except she was threatening to kick me out so that's a major turn-off...except the dream turned me on...

Reality: Two of my friends are still close; they do stuff together and pursue the dreams and fun they enjoyed back then. She has him; it's okay that she doesn't talk to any of us because she has a "new" life. The other one has a group from school. So that leaves me here on my bed nearly in tears. Me: let's see...crazy but also mature...caught between two worlds. A red mage. lmao.

But really: AFTER TOMORROW, I WON'T SEE HER FOR A LONG TIME! DAMN. I DREADED THIS DAY BECAUSE I ALWAYS THOUGHT I HAD MORE TIME TO KNOW HER, TO MAKE HER LIKE ME. But I don't, and she won't. It hurts. Because I've imagined us together for so long; I've imagined that we would really get along. We'd have that bond I always longed for.

Maybe when I'm leaving tomorrow I should just tell her this "I'm in love with. I noticed you were rather quirky and passionate...and you cared. You care the way I do, I think. Almost every interaction we've had has tried to make me hate you, but what you didn't know is I rigged a lot of situations so you'd have to talk to me. I wanted to see you; I wanted a reason to "hate" you so I could talk about you all the time. Yeah, I know how weird this confession sounds, but it's the truth...I love you."

If I wasn't coming back to this dorm next semester, I would tell her. But alas...

So there you have it. I love a female. I'll admit it. I'm lucky if I'm only Bi. Because I'm only attracted to a few men. I don't tell people, but I'm notice females I find attractive. Oh damn...

I wonder now if toward the end of my friendship with her #1, I fell in love with her too...But no, I never had thoughts of "passionate" love- or at least not like I do for my other "her."

Sick and tired

But not in a completely bad way.

Well sick in a bad way. Sick is always a bad way...I felt better on Friday too, but then on Saturday and Sunday, I couldn't breath. Hello, thank you, disease for attacking my lungs! Sunday I did work on a substantial portion of my paper though, which officially fried my brain. Incidentally, I couldn't even sleep that well because I was all stuffy. I distinctively remember waking up because my face hurt, because I saw fire trucks outside the dorm and for other reason =_=

This morning I had my history exam. I was up intil 2ish studying and got up like 4 and a half hours later. So yeah, I'm tired. Work was painless though. Hopefully next semester my dinner shift is always that painless. History exam was long, but I knew what I was talking about.

When I got back, I was once again brain dead. Now I'm procrastinating again...I still have that paper, I need to pack and I have another exam to study for. Incidentally I'm watching anime now!

As summer approaches, I get anxious that I'm going to spend the next three months of my life doing nothing. If I got a job, I'd feel slightly better...I saw a post by her (not the her I'm in love with...the other her but speaking of the her I'm in love with, I'm not going to see her much beyong Thursday...and to think, she'll never know, I secretly want her). But her post read "Have a lot of stuff going on in May, but it'll be great." I don't have a lot going on in May. I have nothing going on except my plans to finish playing FF13 when I get home. Then I started worrying about preparing for the GRE because I'm going to take it soon after I get back from studying abroad. And then here I am about to face doing nothing...I don't like it. I should be doing something to prepare for a future career.

See my problem now is that I have grown up. I consider myself more grown up, and thus disconnected with my younger self. I do feel kind of bad though-bad about my once friends going to the convention this weekend, bad because I'm no longer a part of that world.

What world am I a part of? A grown-up college world? But I won't be there over the summer.

Party!

I think finals week is a party! Honestly I have way to much fun during the week and a half when our only responsiblity is to study for those epic exams.

On reading day, I didn't study for crap. My day: sleep until noon, eat, picture, work, goof-off, eat, work-out, finally got around to studying...Also add have a sore throat (from screaming/ actually getting sick)

Yesterday: Get up at 6:20 after going to sleep 3am. Work breakfast and lunch. Yell at someone for not helping my friend. Sutdy more. Eat. Not listen when friend tells me where my final is so freak-out about almost being late. Final. Go to late night. Go to movies. Movie is sold-out. Go to Applebees. See random goose in the street. "I have nightmares about this..." Good times...

Today: Eat. Kinda read. Eat. Go back to reading...Friend comes to my room and asks if I want to get pushed on her chair while she brings it back to the room we switched chairs with in the other side of the building. Play Uno. Burn mozzerella sticks. Watch "Fantastic Mr. Fox." Be distrubed by the screaming girls who didn't get yelled at by the RA. Laugh. Not work. whoa. whoa.

Right now, I could be working, but I am obviously typing here. I could not focus well enough to string thoughts together...I guess that leaves tomorrow for this paper...

Last Day of Classes

WAS TODAY!!! *HAPPY DANCE*

WHAT MADE TODAY EVEN BETTER:

POWER HOUR: WE GOT TO RUN THROUGH THE HALLS ALL THROUGH-OUT THE DORM SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF OUR LUNGS FOR A WHOLE HOUR. THE RA'S TOTALLY COULDN'T STOP US!!! I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO THAT ^_^

PANCAKE NIGHT: THE ONLY HALL COUNCIL EVENT THAT USUALLY IS A SUCCESS. LOTS OF PANCAKES!!! (eat a lot at night then go work-out in the morning...) lmao. WE MADE IT THROUGH THE YEAR OF HC, AND NO ONE DIED. FOR AWHILE, I THOUGHT WE MIGHT HAVE SOME MURDERS....B

Also, I'm kinda leaning toward studying abroad in Norway....over Sweden. It's such a hard decision though...

*sigh* SUCH EXCITING TIME!!!! AND I'M SO PSYCHED.

I need to sleep...

Chunking

In risk of sounding like one of my psychology class (which I totally do because I actually like psychology a whole bunch...), I'm going to explain something I just stumbled upon.

You might remember my piece that everyone loved because IT WAS SO DANG PROFOUND!!! Well damn, I hate it because it's too fluffy. Sure, I want to be a good writer, but I also want to be very philosohpically RIGHT. Omg, stand by while I go extremely deep...

Our lives might be sentences, but that is only so because we give them that form. Our lives are really just a stream of events that occur without any interruption. Observe: WAKEUPEATCLASSWORKEATCLASSWASTETIMEEATSTUDY-ISHHALLCOUNCILLATENIGHTWORK-OUTSTUDGY-ISHSLEEP...That's my typical Monday from this semester. Time just flows forward. But we divide it into parts to make better sense of it. Just like the mind chunks information to better remember it. The person who beat FF using only WM also used an emulated version of teh original nes games...THSOE ARE INNATELY HARDER. and less fun. MADDNESS. OH THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE BECAUSE I MOVED THE CURSOR. You'll know why this makes sense when you read down below.

OMG. SOMEONE HONESTLY DID BEAT FF1 WITH FOUR WHITE MAGES!!!! IT TOOK THEM 63 HOURS THOUGH, WHICH REALLY ISN'T THAT LONG CONSIDERING I SPENT 150 HOURS MAXING ALL THE CHARACTER'S IN FF10'S STATS. IF I READ THAT WHITE MAGE THING FIVE OR SIX YEARS AGO, I WOULD HAVE TRIED IT. NOW I'M GOING TO TRY TO SAVE THE WORLD AND WRITE A NOVEL. OH, AND THEY (AS IN EPICA) SAY :TIME IS JUST A CONCEPT: ACTUALLY I WAS JUST ABOUT TO EXPLAIN HOW TIME IS JUST CONCEPT. SEE MAYBE...OMG MENTAL OVERLOAD. I MIGHT NEED TO SLEEP SO MY BRAIN CAN "CONCEPTUALIZE EVERYTHING I'M TRYING TO SAY RIGHT NOW. I think a lot of this wisdom is going to go into my essay...which would make sense...But just like the brain has a special section to deal with each sense, we have a concept for each thing we experience. We experience "time" and thus we have a concept for it...thus Epica is right. BUT I REALLY STILL DON'T BELIEVE THAT.

As much as I love Simone, I'm not sure if she is worthy of being the singer to my "favorite" band. Sharon is. DEFINITELY. But Simone isn't as ideal as Sharon. I don't know why, but she isn't...

Right back to thisexampleofwhythemindpuncuates, which I can't spell.

Can we read sentences that don't have spaces between words or puncuation? NO! And niether could we understand our lives with we didn't group events into sentences. Sleep is like a space between words...

SEE I'M SMART! I'M NOT JUST GETTING DUMBER. I am also completely insane. This post should completely prove that. But if insanity make me creative and profound than I want nothing else. Unleashed<3

Oh another thing I thought about while reading...my choice of majors. For those who didn't know this (I will never forget this), I didn't come into college as a creative writing major....NOPE! Back in the day, I thought I wanted to study astronomy. And honestly, in another life, I bet I am. Because weird science stuff excites me way too much, which is why I'm partly upset that this borning person I know is an astronomy major because SHE WILL NEVER GET AS EXCITED AS I WOULD HAVE. I don't know that for a fact...But then again, does anyone ever get as excited as me? But here I am with my double major in creative writing and psychology...and well, I think the fact that I'm here at 3am WRITING about how I THINK proves that I made the right choice.

I certainly have "chunked" my life a lot. Before high school, high school, college. I've always thought I was vastly different in those periods of my life, but I bet I've been more similar through-out. BECAUSE SENTENCES HAVE TO FLOW IN ORDER TO MAKE SENSE. FOR INSTANCE:

I want to the store. I like frisbees. I have an exam on Tuesday.

LIKE WHAT THE HELLL?

Now I'm going to start going into narrative stuff, which is exactly what I've been trying to avoid writing about...SO HAVE I COME FULL CIRCLE YET? I DON'T THINK I CAN SLEEP UNTIL I'VE COME FULL CIRCLE!!! OH BUT THE LONGER I STAY UP, THE BETTER THE CHANCE I HAVE OF SLEEPING RIGHT UNTIL LUNCH! OMG, WHY AM I EXCITED ABOUT THAT?

That all said: I LOVE EPICA!

Yeah, I'm listening to Epica right now btw.

I should go to bed before my mind self-destructs. lmao. Dear mind, please process all these epiphanies I have had this evening (night).

THANK YOU.

Profound.

I think I was wrong when I wrote that monologue about sentences. I wasn't wrong because it wasn't "true." Actually I was both wrong and right. See I've decided I was wrong because the paragraph only works because of the assumption that things end. I prefere idea of "universial present." That is we are one with our past, present and future. Parts of our life do end, but they never really spot influencing us.

Yeah, I think I just read the most PROFOUND 50 pages of my life. Not the best. I mean let's say fantastic literature is woven as well as one of those super-expensive 6969 thread count sheets. I'd give Tale of Two Cities the prize for softest sheet, but this book I just finished I'd give a prize because it had toasters or something on it...AND I KILLED THE METAPHOR. But point being: I think I'm really understanding another lesson. I'm not even sure what that lesson is yet, but somehow I think when I next sit down to write, I'll know exactly what to say.

I was thinking while I was reading two things about my life: The first being that I never really chose where I went to college. I just ended up here. I ended up in a place where I made friends and found a group I was really passionate about. That is why fortune smiles on me. But the more important thing I realized is...I'm drawing a blank right now because I HAD to mention two things that I realized instead of just skipping right to the really profound thing. OMG. YOU'RE PROBABLY THINKING HOW PROFOUND COULD IT BE IF YOU JUST FORGOT IT? But you obviously don't know me...

I'm fairly certain there has to be some "force" out there controlling which things enter my life...Like this year alone I've stumbled upon so many things that have changed my life...Epica, that book series. Okay fine. Niether seem very life-altering, but trust me when I say I SEE THINGS THAT AREN'T THERE.

Why can't I remember what I was thinking about? Oh I got it! I was pondering how I think if I took an intelligence test now I would score worse than I would have 3 years ago. Meaning that college made me dumber. lmao. On the contrary, I'm INFINITELY wiser than I was three years ago. I just haven't taken any classes that would boost me abiltiy to know whatever those tests test. Like take for instance people who go on to study math or science, they obviously know more math and science than when they were in high school. I on the other hand would have known more math when I was in high school. Then you have your people who live to know popular culture. They know more about movies or television than they did in the past. Once again, I was more up on my areas of pop. culture interest in the past. So then am I an intellectual graveyard? Honestly? NO! I don't know a lot about anything. But I aspire to have a working knowledge of everything. Like a red mage. Except I would never use a red mage in final fantasty because they aren't as powerful...so I know let's use the mostly useless white mage?! Like I stated earlier, I wonder if anyone ever beat FF with a team of four white mages? I SO want to google that.

WOW. RANDOM. Okay. Actually I just googled it, but haven't looked at the results...

This is a perfect example of how my brain works. But as I was saying before I digressed into FF, I don't appear to know anything more than I did three years ago. I don't even know if I can really write any better than I did then. But one thing I do know for a fact is that I know more about society, about people. I know how to fight hopelessness. I know how to survive, to live. I have given better advice to my friends now than I ever could have given to people in the past. Only because in the past I was the one who needed the advice. But in all honesty, where did I get the advice that saved? Myself? I don't know and I am certainly not going into that right now...

Let's talk about EPICA instead! YAY, EPICA<3

So! This year I get to look forward to not only a new WT albumb, but also Edenbridge, Tarja and Floor (the really hilarious singer from the ill-fated After Forever) are releasing new stuff!!!! I KNOW RIGHT<3 WHO'S EXCITED!

OMGITHINKI'MGOINGTOTALKLIKETHISFORAWHILETOPROVEAPOINT!SEELIFEISTHISENDLESSFLOWOFSTUFFBUTINREALITYHUMANSJUSTPUNCUATEITBECAUSEWENEEDTOCHUNKTOMAKESENSEOFTHINGSANDOMGNOONEISEVERGOINGTOKNOWWHATTHISISSAYINGSOICANSAYWHATEVERIWANTBUTMYPOINTISTHATHUMANSMAKE

NEVERMIND I'M GOING TO GIVE THIS THOUGHT IT'S OWN PROPERLY PUNCTUATED POST.

70th Post!

MEANING I MISSED MY CHANCE TO TALK ABOUT SEX IN MY 69TH POST. Which is good because I tell everyone that my love for the number 69 is SYMBOLIC not SEXUAL.

The explanation: It's like a ying-yang. lmao. Let's say the six is white (the good) and 9 is black (the bad), then putting together the good and the bad gives you 69. Since LIFE is a combination of good and bad, LIFE=69. Or something like that. I explain it differently everytime. Regardless, I realized this truth of the universe last 6/9 Day (my favorite holiday btw) when we went to a grave and Lover's Lane. True story. I don't like telling it though since it kinda makes me feel bad...

Like I said in my FACEBOOK STATUS: I hate when I nothing to do except everything, but anything seems awful. And by everything I mean study, and by anything I mean study also. DANG.

I feel like I wasted today. Though I did eat PIZZA<3 I enjoy pizza way too much. I HIGHLY doubt my friend could make a pizza I didn't like as she said she could. I love pizza THAT MUCH!!! But I read some of two of my potential book sources for the essay and...THEY DON'T APPLY. TALK ABOUT WASTE. GRRRR.

I need to get organized. And by organized I mean I need to stop doing nothing to avoid doing anything...and by anything I mean working on the paper. Also a true story.