Truth

Awhile back in one of my classes, I learned that victims of childhood abuse deal with stress much worse than anyone else. This upset me terrible obviously! So my brain isn't wired correctly and I will never be right...will never response to the world right. I was obsessed with this notion for awhile, crying because I thought I was hopeless.

I violated my entire list of 'thoughts not to think'

I'M SORRY TO SAY, AMY. YOU ARE INSANE. YOU CAN USE IT AS EXCUSE OR A REASON FOR SYMPATHY, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT AND IT WILL NOT GET EASIER.

So let's not go there, okay? Let's just focus on the here and now and not on how we are wired for failure...Maybe I am more inclined to depression, maybe I do have more to overcome to succeed than most others...BUT...that also makes me more powerful.

I have a mission-- a reason to fight. I promised a girl I would free her, end this vile cycle and set us free.

In my own mind, I continue the cycle. I reject her, hurt her...tell her she is destined to fail, should not live, is evil...and I get comfort in these thoughts...WHY? I find comfort in thinking of suicide.

That is just dumb, Amy. Period.

One reason this is dumb...while you are writing this, you are DREAMING OF GOING TO FINLAND.

WHY WOULD YOU THINK YOU ARE A TOTAL FAILURE, WHEN YOU HAVE SO MANY DREAMS?

Okay. I'm getting tired so I'm going to sleep for awhile but please, let's be free from depressing thoughts.

Lost

Somehow today I realized just how egocentric I am. EVERYTHING IS ABOUT ME. Maybe if everything wasn't about ME, I wouldn't be so depressed. Maybe if I'd wake up and see reality, I wouldn't hate myself. I often wish I could see myself from afar and see WHAT I REALLY AM because when I see me, all I see is a stupid, ugly person.

I am CONSTANTLY making fun of myself. CONSTANTLY. Like I am a joke or something. Because jokes are funny. No one takes jokes seriously. I don't take me seriously. That way when I fail, I have a safety net. I am a failure or I am insane. WHAT DO YOU EXPECT FROM ME?

IT'S A BLOODY TRAP I AM STUCK IN.

I'm not sure I even know who I am anymore. I'm just wandering about, trying to move forward while being confused and voiceless. I'm pathetic. I can't be strong or optimistic. I just get depressed. I don't feel anything. I don't feel. I want to cry...to listen to WT until all my boundaires and defense melt away...

I miss myself...feeling, joy, love...

Words

I don't have the words I need. There are not words for what I want to say from where I am now and I don't understand. I have always had a million and a half things to say...had a solution for everything. But I don't know. I'm not unhappy. It is not that I no longer get excited or don't laugh. I do. I just don't have my beloved voice.

I'm searching for something-songs,stories,conversations-that will guide me back to myself, but honestly, I once spent six monthes trying to get back to myself only to realize I never would wake with everything alright again. And there was no greater truth and since then that reality has hit be so many times...losing friends, seeing failure, hopelessness. REALITY.

I think I understand I am running from reality.

And I accept this fact.

Maybe the problem is now I am living in another world, one I invented with no suffering, no happiness, no creativity...

Am I afraid of what I would say?