Haven't Updated In Awhile...

Because my life got totally fucked up. Especially the month of October. Oh and I was upset that is September. I thought October would be better. Hell no. These past three weeks have sucked. Period.

This all began the evening of the day I first heard WT's new song "Utopia." I was INSANELY happy that whole day. I was glowing. Truly. But then I ate too many cookies and had to torture myself working out. I came home barely able to breath...and spent the next five hours coughing. Oh but it gets worse...I had a paper due the next afternoon that I had not even started, which I guess is my own fault, but I am always busy and I was sick that whole week *whinewhinewhine*. So I didn't sleep that night except for maybe an hour or so in the morning...I went about my day like normal...

I'm pretty sure that was the night, the ra told me to shut up. Apparentally she is my "superior." But when I asked her to use her "supperiority" to get the projector to work, she told me to shut up. I had no come back. I went to bed at midnight and slept nearly 12 hours.

One of my big mistakes was going to work-out Friday and Saturday after the terrible night work-out that almost killed me. I should have gone to the doctor instead...I ended up going to the emergency room at 11pm with some wonderful friends because I was still coughing and I was afraid of dying in my sleep. I had broncitis. Wonderful. We waited in the er for 7 hours! Then went to IHOP for breakfast...I slept for 2 hours that night since I felt so guilty that I hadn't done any homework yet that weekend. I had a short story to write and a ton of statistics to learn. That afternoon I spent trying to get the medicine the doctor at the er gave me. Worked, but that ended up being a bad thing.

I started writing the story after dinner. I was up all night. For the second night in the row. I was still sick obviously. The story was not what I wanted to write. Utopia made me do it. I started crying and screaming while I was writing. But I had to keep going. I don't understand...I do, but I don't. The wound it still open.

Come Monday, I don't have 18 copies of my story to pass out in class so it was considered late even though I was up all night writing. I did not understand statistics for anything. I cried from pure frustration. I don't remember if I slept that night...

But the next day found me even more emotionally stressed. I was on the verge of tears all day. I thought I lost my ID. I had to print copies of my story. I cried because my printer fails. I thought I was losing my ability to cope. Yeah.

I fail the statistics quiz. I didn't learn the material. I didn't care. It was a sacrifice. I wanted to sleep. I don't know if I did, but some time around then, I started being constantly starving and my heart felt like it was having a seizure. I was still having asthma attacks.

I eventually figured out it was the steroid I was on to open up my lungs that was causing me to be hungry and very energetic. I thought it was helping though...but my lungs still hurt. I took a lot of medicine. I got worse.

Thursday night, I go to sleep tired. Wake up at 3 unable to breath. I'm terrified. I'm up the rest of the night. I used my nebulizer, but it didn't even help. I thought I was dying since my heart still felt like it was going crazy.

I went about that day like normal again. By dinner, I have reached my physical and emotional stress limit and want to run into a corner and cry. Really I couldn't deal with anything. I really didn't know how I was going t get out of that one. Then my heart really started feeling weird and I got short of breath. I was lying on my bed in the dark and I was honestly afraid I was about to die. I text my friends who I left after I ate and said I was scared and needed help. They come. I kept scaring my friends. I'm panicing.

I go to the emergency room again. In an amublance. I have no strength to resist. Really. Turns out the steriod and the cough medicine the doctor from the first er gave me had a bad interaction with the blood sugar medicine I take and caused my blood sugar to go crazy and the weird energy I was had. I was beyond frustrated. I wanted to crawl up in a ball and never feel or think again. But at that point in time I pledged to rest until I was stronger. And I sorta did...We watched a movie that night and I was able to release. And I learned the true meaning of Utopia. I was finally able to learn the statistics that made me feel so dumb. I was still behind in most classes, but things were getting better...

I felt better for all of about two days.

I worked a dinner shift on Tuesday. Cleaning up, I spilled boiling water on my foot. I didn't take my shoe or sock off right away. It hurt so much. I say I'm fine. I always say I am fine. I was not fine. When I can leave, I go to the library where I know my friend was working. I just cry. I was biting my lip to prevent tears the whole time after I got hurt, but I sat in the hall outside the library crying. I felt stupid. I hated myself. I was in shock.

My foot blistered. I refused to go back to the ER. I sat there the rest of the night and elevated my foot until I was able to sleep. I humble over to the health center the next morning with only a sock on that foot. I had second degree burns. They wrapped the foot up so the blisters wouldn't break. I couldn't walk. I was so frustrated and ashamed.

I think at that point I was beyond the point of emotional overload. I was beating myself up about everything...about the comments on my story, about being behind, about not being able to do everything I had to. Thursday night I made a point to do no homework. I had a stomach ache though, but I slept and Friday was alright too, I think.

Saturday I went home when mum came to visit for Homecoming. It was great. Sunday was too and Monday as well since I got an A on the statistics exam.

I almost made it a week without hurting myself. On ym way to lunch on Tuesday, I fell down the stairs. On my stomach. I should have been hurt. I wasn't though, but I cried for awhile.

I'm scared now. What is next? Why can I not just be happy?