Truth

Awhile back in one of my classes, I learned that victims of childhood abuse deal with stress much worse than anyone else. This upset me terrible obviously! So my brain isn't wired correctly and I will never be right...will never response to the world right. I was obsessed with this notion for awhile, crying because I thought I was hopeless.

I violated my entire list of 'thoughts not to think'

I'M SORRY TO SAY, AMY. YOU ARE INSANE. YOU CAN USE IT AS EXCUSE OR A REASON FOR SYMPATHY, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT AND IT WILL NOT GET EASIER.

So let's not go there, okay? Let's just focus on the here and now and not on how we are wired for failure...Maybe I am more inclined to depression, maybe I do have more to overcome to succeed than most others...BUT...that also makes me more powerful.

I have a mission-- a reason to fight. I promised a girl I would free her, end this vile cycle and set us free.

In my own mind, I continue the cycle. I reject her, hurt her...tell her she is destined to fail, should not live, is evil...and I get comfort in these thoughts...WHY? I find comfort in thinking of suicide.

That is just dumb, Amy. Period.

One reason this is dumb...while you are writing this, you are DREAMING OF GOING TO FINLAND.

WHY WOULD YOU THINK YOU ARE A TOTAL FAILURE, WHEN YOU HAVE SO MANY DREAMS?

Okay. I'm getting tired so I'm going to sleep for awhile but please, let's be free from depressing thoughts.

Lost

Somehow today I realized just how egocentric I am. EVERYTHING IS ABOUT ME. Maybe if everything wasn't about ME, I wouldn't be so depressed. Maybe if I'd wake up and see reality, I wouldn't hate myself. I often wish I could see myself from afar and see WHAT I REALLY AM because when I see me, all I see is a stupid, ugly person.

I am CONSTANTLY making fun of myself. CONSTANTLY. Like I am a joke or something. Because jokes are funny. No one takes jokes seriously. I don't take me seriously. That way when I fail, I have a safety net. I am a failure or I am insane. WHAT DO YOU EXPECT FROM ME?

IT'S A BLOODY TRAP I AM STUCK IN.

I'm not sure I even know who I am anymore. I'm just wandering about, trying to move forward while being confused and voiceless. I'm pathetic. I can't be strong or optimistic. I just get depressed. I don't feel anything. I don't feel. I want to cry...to listen to WT until all my boundaires and defense melt away...

I miss myself...feeling, joy, love...

Words

I don't have the words I need. There are not words for what I want to say from where I am now and I don't understand. I have always had a million and a half things to say...had a solution for everything. But I don't know. I'm not unhappy. It is not that I no longer get excited or don't laugh. I do. I just don't have my beloved voice.

I'm searching for something-songs,stories,conversations-that will guide me back to myself, but honestly, I once spent six monthes trying to get back to myself only to realize I never would wake with everything alright again. And there was no greater truth and since then that reality has hit be so many times...losing friends, seeing failure, hopelessness. REALITY.

I think I understand I am running from reality.

And I accept this fact.

Maybe the problem is now I am living in another world, one I invented with no suffering, no happiness, no creativity...

Am I afraid of what I would say?

Haven't Updated In Awhile...

Because my life got totally fucked up. Especially the month of October. Oh and I was upset that is September. I thought October would be better. Hell no. These past three weeks have sucked. Period.

This all began the evening of the day I first heard WT's new song "Utopia." I was INSANELY happy that whole day. I was glowing. Truly. But then I ate too many cookies and had to torture myself working out. I came home barely able to breath...and spent the next five hours coughing. Oh but it gets worse...I had a paper due the next afternoon that I had not even started, which I guess is my own fault, but I am always busy and I was sick that whole week *whinewhinewhine*. So I didn't sleep that night except for maybe an hour or so in the morning...I went about my day like normal...

I'm pretty sure that was the night, the ra told me to shut up. Apparentally she is my "superior." But when I asked her to use her "supperiority" to get the projector to work, she told me to shut up. I had no come back. I went to bed at midnight and slept nearly 12 hours.

One of my big mistakes was going to work-out Friday and Saturday after the terrible night work-out that almost killed me. I should have gone to the doctor instead...I ended up going to the emergency room at 11pm with some wonderful friends because I was still coughing and I was afraid of dying in my sleep. I had broncitis. Wonderful. We waited in the er for 7 hours! Then went to IHOP for breakfast...I slept for 2 hours that night since I felt so guilty that I hadn't done any homework yet that weekend. I had a short story to write and a ton of statistics to learn. That afternoon I spent trying to get the medicine the doctor at the er gave me. Worked, but that ended up being a bad thing.

I started writing the story after dinner. I was up all night. For the second night in the row. I was still sick obviously. The story was not what I wanted to write. Utopia made me do it. I started crying and screaming while I was writing. But I had to keep going. I don't understand...I do, but I don't. The wound it still open.

Come Monday, I don't have 18 copies of my story to pass out in class so it was considered late even though I was up all night writing. I did not understand statistics for anything. I cried from pure frustration. I don't remember if I slept that night...

But the next day found me even more emotionally stressed. I was on the verge of tears all day. I thought I lost my ID. I had to print copies of my story. I cried because my printer fails. I thought I was losing my ability to cope. Yeah.

I fail the statistics quiz. I didn't learn the material. I didn't care. It was a sacrifice. I wanted to sleep. I don't know if I did, but some time around then, I started being constantly starving and my heart felt like it was having a seizure. I was still having asthma attacks.

I eventually figured out it was the steroid I was on to open up my lungs that was causing me to be hungry and very energetic. I thought it was helping though...but my lungs still hurt. I took a lot of medicine. I got worse.

Thursday night, I go to sleep tired. Wake up at 3 unable to breath. I'm terrified. I'm up the rest of the night. I used my nebulizer, but it didn't even help. I thought I was dying since my heart still felt like it was going crazy.

I went about that day like normal again. By dinner, I have reached my physical and emotional stress limit and want to run into a corner and cry. Really I couldn't deal with anything. I really didn't know how I was going t get out of that one. Then my heart really started feeling weird and I got short of breath. I was lying on my bed in the dark and I was honestly afraid I was about to die. I text my friends who I left after I ate and said I was scared and needed help. They come. I kept scaring my friends. I'm panicing.

I go to the emergency room again. In an amublance. I have no strength to resist. Really. Turns out the steriod and the cough medicine the doctor from the first er gave me had a bad interaction with the blood sugar medicine I take and caused my blood sugar to go crazy and the weird energy I was had. I was beyond frustrated. I wanted to crawl up in a ball and never feel or think again. But at that point in time I pledged to rest until I was stronger. And I sorta did...We watched a movie that night and I was able to release. And I learned the true meaning of Utopia. I was finally able to learn the statistics that made me feel so dumb. I was still behind in most classes, but things were getting better...

I felt better for all of about two days.

I worked a dinner shift on Tuesday. Cleaning up, I spilled boiling water on my foot. I didn't take my shoe or sock off right away. It hurt so much. I say I'm fine. I always say I am fine. I was not fine. When I can leave, I go to the library where I know my friend was working. I just cry. I was biting my lip to prevent tears the whole time after I got hurt, but I sat in the hall outside the library crying. I felt stupid. I hated myself. I was in shock.

My foot blistered. I refused to go back to the ER. I sat there the rest of the night and elevated my foot until I was able to sleep. I humble over to the health center the next morning with only a sock on that foot. I had second degree burns. They wrapped the foot up so the blisters wouldn't break. I couldn't walk. I was so frustrated and ashamed.

I think at that point I was beyond the point of emotional overload. I was beating myself up about everything...about the comments on my story, about being behind, about not being able to do everything I had to. Thursday night I made a point to do no homework. I had a stomach ache though, but I slept and Friday was alright too, I think.

Saturday I went home when mum came to visit for Homecoming. It was great. Sunday was too and Monday as well since I got an A on the statistics exam.

I almost made it a week without hurting myself. On ym way to lunch on Tuesday, I fell down the stairs. On my stomach. I should have been hurt. I wasn't though, but I cried for awhile.

I'm scared now. What is next? Why can I not just be happy?

Confusion

Today was one hell of a confusion.

I was exhausted from the start. I was going to get up at 8 but failed there and didn't go to the stats lecture that might have helped me more on my quiz. Then it turned out I couldn't finish learning the material for the quiz and had to take it before I could learn anything else...so I did after class but then left the computer standing while we went across campus for dinner and of course, the quiz was timed so when I got back I only had 13 minutes to finish...FAIL. Idiot. But I still got an A according to the quiz...lol.

Then I had this terrible feeling that I am a bad hall council president and this was only multiplied by the extremely giddy way I act when a certain person is around. She was sitting right next to me and I couldn't think, talk or move. Dang, I fell off the damn couch. A perfect example of how I was acting like an idiot to get attention so she would notice me. WTF. Okay so maybe I have a crush on her...How awkward.

Haven't done nearly enough school work...can't sleep until I do. *sigh* I gotta keep going though. I can keep up.

Pale

When I was younger I didn't know weather could change almost instantly. I thought if it was sunny in the morning it was sunny that day and if it rained in the morning it was a crappy day...

Similarly when I was younger I used to think there were weeks when I would just be sad and nothing would break it. Then for whatever reason (usually cuz I had cut myself) I would just feel better and until things got bad again I would be happy.

A ton of things have happened since then obviously that has completely revolutionalized my thoughts on that subject...Now I know we can always fall victim to a storm, even if it was the brightest morning ever. So we gotta keep our eyes open and be ready!

When it comes to moods, I think I have slowly come to learn one can be happy and sad at the same time...like right now...I feel so sorrowful, but still full of warm, but then again I am listening to Pale and that right there is a very accurate description of Pale. I was listening to all these songs...mostly sad ones...but listening to sad songs when you are sad is just like jumping into the hole that wants to suck you in...so I try to cut to the chase and listen to Pale when I feel like this.

I truly love this song. When all else fails, WT is -was- the reason I have to stay.

The world happens...rain comes and ruins the bright morning...and life ruins our bright moods, but rain isn't that bad...that's what April Rain taught me last April. I love April now<3

I love that song...just not as much as I love Pale...WT will always be needed for my mental well-being since they are a part of me. While I was "rebuilding" my mind, WT was there...WT in entwined within me.

The world seems not the same,
Though I know nothing has changed.
It's all my state of mind,
I can't leave it all behind.
I have to stand up to be stronger.

I have to try to break free
From the thoughts in my mind.
Use the time that I have,
I can't say goodbye,
Have to make it right.
Have to fight, cause I know
In the end it's worthwhile,
That the pain that I feel slowly fades away.
It will be alright.

I know, should realise
Time is precious, it is worthwhile.
Despite how I feel inside,
Have to trust it will be all right.
Have to stand up to be stronger.

I have to try to break free
From the thoughts in my mind.
Use the time that I have,
I can't say goodbye,
Have to make it right.
Have to fight, cause I know
In the end it's worthwhile,
That the pain that I feel slowly fades away.
It will be alright.

Oh, this night is too long.
I have no strength to go on.
No more pain, I'm floating away.
Through the mist I see the face
Of an angel, who calls my name.
I remember you're the reason I have to stay.

I have to try to break free
From the thoughts in my mind.
Use the time that I have,
I can't say goodbye,
Have to make it right.
Have to fight, cause I know
In the end it's worthwhile,
That the pain that I feel slowly fades away.
It will be alright.

*shakes head* That is pure love...and no it does not mean I want to kill myself (like the pyschologist thought lol) "stay" can mean lots of things...I'm not going to deny there was a time when this song took on a more pyshical meaning for me...actually I think Pale came after the fact, but whatever...Pale made me see the real "reasons I have to stay" The friends I have to fight for, the dreams I need to fulfill and all that good stuff. Now by stay, I think I mean stay focused on what I need to do and not get too lost on the path of depression or running away.

Regardless, Pale is my favorite song.

69 Strikes Again...

But isn't that life?

See 69 represents the coming together of opposites...say joy and sorrow, light and darkness and life and death. That is some insane symbolism right there and I didn't even get it until now. I didn't even do it on purpose today.

Last year on 9/6 (European 69 day) I saw Nw for the first time. I was going to see them in May of last year, but you know, that was when I was terribely depressed so I couldn't...so naturally seeing Nw meant a whole lot to me. Basically it meant that I was happy enough to enjoy things I love again and live again. That was a really funny evening...the guy with the taco I was going to throw at Anette, doing the SMG dance, getting lost under the city and having a homeless guy help us, the random guy who never e-mailed me back and not knowing who Tuomas was...BUT FALLING IN LOVE<3 So you have the contrast there...

Earlier this year on 6/9 we went to "Lover's Lane" which is basically a naughty store that sells well you can imagine what and then the cemetary. Talk about contrast right there...and of course, I adressed the wrong grave, but I know she would have loved that so I kinda feel proud of my dumbness.

And well today I was all happy then with the bird and a conversation I had with a friend made me see the pain that is this life. But in order to celebrate the year anniversary of Nw, we watched End of Era (Nw dvd of their LAST concert) Just like I repeatidly watch the third Pirates of the Caribbean movie with the hope WILL WON'T DIE. I keep watching EoaE hoping NW WON'T FIRE TARJA!!! WHY????

I always cry at the end of EoaE cuz NIGHTWISH DIES *tears*

But quoting ME again..."A new beginning always starts at the end" =)

This coming together of good and bad...is what life is...let's say 6 is good and 9 is bad...then well life is 69!!!

TAKE THAT PEOPLE WHO THINK MY MIND IS IN THE GUTTER CUZ MY WATCH BEEPS AT 6:09 EVERYDAY!!! 69 should be the title of my memoires...

Broken Wing

I think I have mentioned I have four cats. A few hours ago, the cat that likes to pee on everything had a bird in its mouth and was playing with it. My brother goes outside and is like the bird is still alive (after Fenix put it down) but the cats were still attacking and Mr. Bird<3 couldn't run away...

So Mum and I put Mr. Bird in an ice cream cone box (lol) and drive him over to the animal shelter. On the way I looked into his tiny little black eye and just broke down into tears. I just knew he was suffering, scared, but I couldn't do anything but cry. I wanted to keep him, to make sure he got better, but that's not very realistic...

The worker who took him said the bird didn't look very bad and a supervisor would look at him then and a vet would the next morning...I just hope he was telling the truth. I know if we hadn't taken Mr. Bird in he would have died for sure (cats would eat him. It's their nature...), but I can't know what the shelter will do with him. I guess I just have to pray for Mr. Bird. He is so cute.

I love birds so much. PLEASE BE ALRIGHT MY DEAR BIRD<3

"I find my strength believing that their souls live on...until the end of time, I'll carry them with me"

SHARON.

WITHIN TEMPTATION.

MY LOVES<3

Sin

I'm going to listen to "She Is My Sin" while I post this just because it is SORT OF related.

My sophmore year of highschool (four years ago ^_^) I had this english teacher who just didn't like me (I didn't misbehave that much...) Alex and I called her "Sin" after the main boss from FFX. Sin had this thing about English majors...YOU ALL SHOULD BECOME ENGLISH MAJORS!!! Oh Sin guess who is an English major...(kinda...)

The person you hated...who never talked in class and never read and made stuff up...and whose board game you gave a bad grade to despite the emmence amount of creativity and work that went into that thing...yeah.

Sin once told my parents, she wished I would work with other people besides Alex. I guess, she thought Alex was holding me back...that I was hiding.

This is very true too. I didn't want to walk alone then...couldn't do anything alone. I need someone else to justify my existence. She was my other half...still is...or at least the memory. I know I relied on her too much and that is why this hurts so much...

"I just thought we'd have more time." Alex once said senior year...We do and we don't...it's a choice. It's sad thinking back and funny and ironic and beautiful.

"All I loved, all I have known...but I believe I'm never far from home."

Listening to the theme song from Rogue Galaxy now...that of course is the game I was playing while I was really depressed so even the thought of it brings about WEIRD feelings, but I still really love the song.

Oh shit yeah I forgot..."Had enough symphonies of sorrow" I'm not going to listen to Poet and the Pendulum again...it's a little thing I have going on. It means something to me not listening to it. I would fail at explaining that though.

Long Weekend!!!

WHICH MEANS I GOT TO GO HOME ON THE BUS!!! YIP XD

So I am home now. (Yes, the same home I used to hate being at, but that was summer. Now is different. Now I shall relax and be swell as a bell)

Got some really nice tea and music playing...TO BAD I HAVE LOTS OF HOMEWORK.

Blah. Waffles. I ate lots of pudding and whipped cream and cherries too. yay.

Feeling pretty good actually. Happy, feel like I've changed a lot. The world looks different...my world that is...which brings me to this:

"No matter how much we want something, we will not do it until we are ready"

It seems really obvious, but think about a bit. Personally, there have been I have dreamed of being or doing, but never took steps to have and of course, I felt terrible about it, but in retrospect, I realize I wasn't ready then. It was just a dream. Here I am now udnerstanding this...seeing all the things I have done in the past few weeks and knowing I have grown.

Here's the song of the day:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uT8wH63UocU&feature=channel_page

This is her song. When we would talk in the beginning of the summer, I would listen to this and cry...especially the imagination part...I will always being waiting, Alex, but for now I'm excepting my best friend went away...maybe you'll come home one day...Please know I still dream of you, want you to know I will never give in.

Exciting!

Today was pretty rocking ^_^

The morning was a drag though...I woke up at around 9ish...after a very nice WT aided rest, but I was far too restless to get any real work down so I was just poking around the introwebs until it was time for work...which brings me to the first order of business...I worked for the first time ever today!!! In the dining hall of my dorm, that is, which won't be so great once the novelty wears off but hey it was fine today. I got shifts that really don't interefere with my life that much since I have that time devoted to lunch anyway and Monday night isn't a really hard time for school work usually. Hopefully this all works out well enough. I was a little nervous cuz I can be a bit of a clutz and not pay attention and all that...likes this is really ironic. Right after I spent the last hour and a half cleaning, I spilled soda while I was getting lunch myself...Yeah, we rushed to rememdy the situation though ^_^

Also today I wrote a review of one of my favorite albums...April Rain (Delain lol)...and sent it off as an informal writing sample. I really want to write this entertainment magaziene on campus...Heh. Yip! Already had some friends say it was good, but I never know with my writing...I think it is rather cheesey or immature.

I just wish for once I could see myself for what I really am...objectively that...like the rest of the whole who is not me does. Then maybe I would truly believe I am smart, talented and all that. I'm getting really tired of putting myself down all the time...really tired of saying bad stuff about myself just in case the person I say it to thinks that to so it is like I am making a joke out of it. That is all cowards work. I have things I want to do...and I'm only holding myself down here with all these thoughts that I am ugly, awkward, lame, unlikable and whatnot.

But honestly after growing up with all this rushing through my head, it is hard to escape...but then again I am quite good at getting way from my past. Regardless, I must keep following this path...

"Have to stand up to be stronger"

Sadness

I know fully understand why Angels Fall First (in caps because it is a Nw song<3 and album for that matter)

Angels are too pure for this world so they must die so they cannot have the chance to be corrupted. If they didn't die necesarily they would become darker, more experienced and would cease to be angels anyway. Tis much better than to die an angel than to live a life of "surviving."

Reminds me of my all time favorite poem "Songs of Innocence and Experience" by Blake! Yip, I am a Romantic...not always a fun thing...but hey Tuomas is a Romantic. We need to hook-up totally!

I do believe I will go listen to Amaranth now. I love Amaranth (not necesarily the song but everything never-fading represents)

So to those Nw gurus...has anyone else ever seen the connection between AFF and Amarannth...which is symbolic for Nw in that each was on a "first" cd. Perhaps more on this later, but now I really have to go...(it is not 4 am either like when I used to post here...)

An Update...

Since I haven't posted anything here since the Monday of the week I returned to school. Well as the previous sentence says I returned to school!!! Yip, very exciting ^_^

Sadly though, my excitement lasted about one day...then I was overwhelmed with work. Brillant me had to take six classes...most of which involve lots of reading

And I have to stop typing for a second since I forgot to finnish some of the homework for one o fmy literature classes...

And finnished it it now.

I tend to think my life has more meaning when I am busy...better than sitting around wasting time on the internet...like I did all summer. WTF.

See this how I hate myself...I hate everything I was and will do anything not to be like that...this is not healthy. But how can I like myself? The one person who knew me most rejected me...

The downside to being busy is you don't get to go too deep into anything...and deepness is what I love most, isn't it...when I am focused on getting work then my mind can't focus on a single thing long enough to figure it out and I am just left terribley confused.

Like I am now. Confused, feeling unloved, insecure and totally wrong. Not like me at all. Me...

I told my friend I changed over summer, but not in a way I could really describe and this is true. I don't understand myself now...I don't know who I am...why I am doing all this...

Two nights in a row I dreamed of her...of us being reunited. Then last night I dreamed a fire destroyed my house. Two nights in a row I woke up gasping even though I could breath...last night I was listening to WT and stopped myself.

WT sounds foreign. It sounds boring...

I guess I'm jsut restless...searching for that one thing that will define and fix everything that I am feeling right now. I've been here before...patience I guess will save me with time.

Maybe I have grown up...come to understand the lie that is passion and innocence and the trouble these things get you in. Maybe I've become cold and can no longer trust...

But alas I must go work-out now...the brief time that I get to escape into my own world and just listen to music ^_^

You are out there somewhere, right Sharon?

Tarja's Birthday

Yesterday, my adorable, favoritest Finn turned 32! Happy Birthday Tarja<3 Hope your day was as awesome as you are!!!

In honor of the occasion my friend and I baked a cake (there were also brownies baked but those didn't last long enough to take a picture. We were watching 17 Again -Zac Efron is such a hottie<3-> and I was like pause the movie, I want them while they are hot so we had so then...but when baked goods are really hot, you can't really taste them that well so warm is best! But point of this story...while we went to get the frosting and blue stuff for the cake, a certain brother of my friend -who is my son lol- ate the rest of them!!!

IT'S FINNISH!!! ^_^ Honestly I have wanted to make that for the longest time, but just finally got around to it...Just in case it ever comes up again...CAKE IS BETTER MICROWAVED. In the stove it gets dry, but microwaved cake is very moist and delicious and warm!!!

Oh and every time we go biking in the forest, it rains! Back on the 4th of July it was pouring and the ground was wet and soggy so we were literally covered in mud when we were finnished. Yesterday it started raining toward the end of our ride so we go sorta wet...not nearly as big of a mess though...

Well I cannot believe it is August 18th...only a few days left before I'm back off to college!!! Exciting times!!!

Nervous

About school mostly. Probably uncalled for concerns, but still they exist. I do pity all the incoming freshman. Your first day of college is very traumatic, but sopmore year should be less traumatic. I have friends, I know the dorm very well, know where all the buildings are so I won't get lost and just generally have been alone before...but still I can't help, but think I might not be good enough, people won't like me, I won't be outgoing enough...what ever else comes up along that line of thoughts. I'll be happier about school once I get back into the flow of things. Still have things to prepare for though..need to do some shopping mainly.

Song of right now is (maybe not of the day since the day just started, but I don't have anything better to say right now so here's the song!): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PNFCODsZiRQ&feature=channel_page

On friends...

I thought this one up yesterday afternoon before my mind got totally fried by things and didn't feel like doing any deep thinking.

In light of losing my best friend, my whole outlook on friends and relying on people has totally changed. I used to think she was my other half and I could not be complete without her. Obviously this isn't true since I have fought perfectly well on my own all this time, but I truly relied on this reality of knowing someone understood me in the past when I was so tormented. Looking upon myself with more lucid eyes I understand that we are ultimately our own best friends. It is up to me to accept myself, to comfort myself and to fight for myself.

For me though I find that I find tons of comfort in my imagination. Hell, I have an imaginary friend ^_^ Really in my mind there is someone with me who represents what I think the perfect friend would be...so I can say my best friend is the sum of everything I find perfect and everything I would want to be...some of this gathered from bands I love, from places I love, from far off fantasies I wish I could live...you know...

I present you the song of the day: Lunatica's WHO YOU ARE!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ydR1OPTxKU&feature=channel_page

Frozen and broken
Don't know where you're going
Losing your identity
You're so caught up in hiding
But everybody sees

You're never gonna feel
You're never gonna heal
You're never gonna know what's fake or real
'Til you know who you are
You're lying to your face
And running in a race
You're never gonna win 'til you find your place
And you know who you are

You're crawling and falling
But no one hears you calling
When you're in a world of glass
'Til your bubble bursts
And the true you's first
You're always coming last

[Chorus]

You take yourself apart
To medicate the pain
It shouldn't be this hard
To believe in you again

Totally true!!!

Green

In my memories, August was always a very green month with the grass a nice shade of emerald and leaves everywhere. Nature was lush and alive.

This August has not been like that. Last time I mowed the lawn, it wasn't really even necesary since the grass hadn't actually grown much. It was mostly weeds that don't get that tall. There is a weed in my back yard that is taller than me though. It protects our junk pile where the rusty grill, the tipped basketball net, some plastic crates and metal poles are amidst weeds of every type. The canoe is also in front of that mess...poor canoe never got used since the equipment to tie to the car was in my father's trunk and plus who can lift that thing. I ain't that strong. I would rather kayak anyway...in the rapids we certainly don't have around here. We used to kayak in my highschool's pool. Junior year it was the kewlest thing since toast. Lots of friends were in my class and it was just a total blast and actual trust building thing. The teacher pushed us off the high dive in a kayak!!! Total trip...Oh how I missed that guy when he suddenly didn't come back next year. I will never understand why everyone I like has to go away and leave me alone to struggle and deal with replacements and change. In that same class we also climbed the rock wall and that experience has left a permanent mark upon my heart.

His words were essentially this to me "Don't quit on yourself. You are afraid to stand up and that is why you cannot reach the top." It almost brings tears to my eyes thinking about this now. I reached the top of all those routes (with my friend's help of course) and I don't have any regrets about that at least, but each time I climbed since then (at college we went a few times) I felt bad if I failed. Am I letting myself down? Him down? I'm trying...

But back on topic, my yard is light green. Perhaps we haven't gotten enough rain this season, which is cery likely since I don't think we got alot...Today it rained really hard though and it was windy so the rain was forming an arch as it hit the car. We were in Wal-Mart for this and I skipped to the window and thought OMG SOOOOO KEWL!!! I didn't get the chance to use my Ikea umbrella though...

Ever Dream isn't playing *dances* It is Mother Earth<3 "I find my strength believing that their souls live on" Oopes now it is "Never-Ending Story" NES might be my favorite ME song...besides Ice Queen and Caged that is.

Is there symbolism in my yellow-green grass?

Another Song

That summed up how I feeling today is Rise Aganist's "Pray of the Refugee" The song is written about the poor children who are forced to work in sweatshops or at least that is what the music video is about. Music's meaning though is dependent upon the listener though so my interruption of the song applies to my own painful youth.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pOtNqDyyX2c&feature=related <--- Music video

Keep quiet no longer
We'll sing through the day
Of the lives that we've lost
And the lives we've reclaimed

Go!

Don't hold me up now
I can stand my own ground
I don't need your help now
You will let me down, down, down!

That last verse applies to me a lot. All the people who should have helped me all along let me down and right now I just need to make something of myself with my own two hands.

*goes back to listening to Ever Dream*

Hmmm...other non-WT, Nw or Delain songs that really describe me I can post here...*thinks*

HAH, I know. I can rant here about Delain's cover of the song "Cordell"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yk2vju1LU8s&feature=channel_page

*just realized this* IS THIS ILLEGAL? I am allowed to talk about bands and people here? It shouldn't be since I am saying bad stuff about my friends and family and good stuff -mostly- about the bands. WT should be thrilled. I have numerous times acredited them with saving my life...*end*

Though I am not going to lie...this song reminds me of the place company that has the same name...-which I could be completely making up.

You meant something more to me
Than what many people will see
And to hell with the industry

I don't think anyone knows how much certain things mean to me...myself included in that.

*sigh*

Less than a week until I go back to college. I do not know how to feel about this. I am wondering why my roommate hasn't contacted me yet. I was going ot text her earlier and ask, but then I didn't want to accuse her of not contacting me when I hadn't done it either X_X

lol. I just found my way to my favorite Delain-related thing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6LdLCUcwCyc&feature=related

It's the version of "I'll Reach You" that was performed to benefit some charity. But honestly CHARLOTTE IS SOOOOO CUTE IN THIS. I'm jealous. I want to be pretty...and oh yeah, have a good life.

Sorrow has a human heart...

Well the good news is I finally have the album version of Sleeping Sun (I deleted mine back when I thought both Oceanborn folders I had my exactly the same...they weren't and I lost my favorite song) Such a beautiful song and such an awesome music video (the original Tarja in a bathtub version that is) I forgot about the SS music video when I made my top five list, but honeslty I don't think most of Nw's videos are THAT great...not like WT's<3333

Speaking of WT, I've been in a NEED TO HEAR WT ON REPEAT UNLESS I'LL CRY mood today and yesterday. Actually today was one of the most painful days I have had in a while...since maybe the nights I would talk to her and just break down in tears of disbelief and not wanting to accept what was going on...

Well here is the story of today's sorrow...I was really happy this afternoon after mum and I went to see Julie and Julia (five dollar tickets before noon!!!) I was listening to Ice Queen and loving the lryics "The sun awakens and sees the dawning of a new day" I was waiting in the car for brother to come out. He was looking for his ipod cuz he didn't want to drive for twenty minutes to a resturant without it cuz you know since I was driving I had WT on and that's is sooooo horrible. So after mum makes him come out without since she doesn't wantto wait anymore, he makes this big fuss about how my music was on too loud and he wanted to be dropped off if I wasn't going to turn it down. I went to put gas into the car then...basically as we were turning into the station Mum lowers the music saying she doesn't want to hear it either and wants to prevent a fight. I stop the car, throw the keys into her lap and walk home (it's is only a few blocks)

My thoughts were this "She made her choice. Now she must live with it." I was ready to go back to school right then and there. I should not have to put up with this woman who can easily tear me apart to prevent fights. My whole life I was the one hurt in the end. My brother would start things, violence, arguments and scare the shit out of me and eventually I'd do something to try to stop it and I'd be the one blamed. Once there was a fight and I actually thought he was going to hurt someone (was when I was in junior high) so I take my mom's cell and dial 911. She comes outside and wrestles the phone from my hands threatening me because I called the police. If she knew this still bothered me she would say that was many years ago, let it go. I'll never forget that moment or the time she threw me through the door. What the hell did I ever do to deserve that? I was so young, I had no idea what was going on...

But if you ask her, she was not an abusive mother. Well that's not fair to say. Her intentions are pure, I know for certain, but it's the acting out of them where I get hurt. She will do anything to prevent a fight -in the case where I called the police she would do anything not to let others see what was going on behind our closed door. Could never tell this one to her...but she also didn't know what was going on behind my closed door in the middle of the night all those years, but whatever...no one suspects that.

I just wish someone would chose me above all else, someone would come and protect me. Hell, even comfort me. I have fought alone to be strong, to live through abuse after abuse, shame after shame, fear, rejection, failure and everything else an angry, confused child faces while she tries to have some semblence of hope and love. My fantasies came in here. They always protected me from truth, gave me somewhere to inhabit while I was alone. Whether it was an imaginary friend I wish I had, a video game I was obsessed with and its characters I wished I was, a story I created in my own mind to parallel and hopefully free myself from my own woes. I've always been big on the fantasy where I had magical powers and could save the world...yeah you know because I have always felt so damn powerless. I so wish I could pick up a sword and slash away at the evils of the world. Now a days my comfort is mostly music...I'm certain I would not be alive still if it weren't for Within Temptation at least. Now I understand WT didn't save my life. It just gave me the strength to help myself, but the comfort WT's music gives me is amazing.

Mum always asks me repeatidly if I love her, says I think she is a coward. She tells me how I feel, what I think. I have heard it all so many times. I told her today she broke my heart. There really is truth in this. My heart is broken, but not just from her. My heart was broken when I four when he first tricked me, touched me...even though then I had no idea what was going on. I didn't come to terms with what he did until after he stopped. Even thinking back now, it seems unreal my life has had no much pain...My heart was broken by the fear of watching my parents fight, being so scared and confused and lashing out at the world, being punished and hating myself, rejection at school, never being good enough at sports or smart enough, teh shame of being who I was, being alone, being teased, having people think there was something wrong with me...Most recently my heart was broken my that friend and my mother's continued ignoring of what I really need.

I hurt so much. I cry and then I find some way to cheer myself up so I can go on. Then sometimes else hurts me and each time it hurts more. I have cried more recently than I ever did and when I say cry I mean cry alone. It's the people who should be comforting me who make me cry, but that is the story of my life. But alas I have also been happier this past year than ever before. I guess I just started living and that comes with stabs from the good and bad. I have gotten strong, better able to deal...Some of the things I get upset about now, would have destroyed me years ago...and I mean this. I would never hurt myself now. I am not my enemy. If everyone else finds it necesary to make me bleed, I will be the one who hugs myself and says it is alright ^_^

Ever Dream always come on while I'm posting...Gods, I love this song!!! It really sums up what I'm feeling right now...

Would you do it with me
Heal the scars and change the stars
Would you do it for me
Turn loose the heaven within

Yip. LOVE THAT SONG!!!

Burden of Dreams

Perhaps more on this later, but I want to get it off my chest now. Plus it's proof I was thinking of something other than Nightwish today.





While I was at the bookstore writing earlier I was thinking about all the stress placed on today's youths. It really strikes everyone, but perhaps the rich children who have to be perfect and do well at sports and get straight A's in honors classes. Now before I go on I was -to a certain- degree one of these students. I was in a sport and honors classes, but let's call me a rebel for now. I didn't quite fit in any of those places. These children face the burden of expectation.





The burden of expectation is the feeling you need to be as good as someone and live up to what they expect for you...like if someone's parents are smart and athletic, the child feels they need to be too to impress their parent. The child feels they have to be perfect at everything since their parents demand this of them. Maybe the parents don't do it on purpose either, but there are a lot of unspoken expectations out there. For me it was never even debated I would go to college, it was unimaginable that I would be grades lower than B's and no one ever even considered the thought I might try drugs, alcohol or sex. Now all of things do fit with my personality so I'm not living any double life here and I'm not about to rebel because of unfair restrictions. One thing about myself though...I was always considered to be smart so obviously I would go into something math/ science related. If we weren't free of my father, I would still be I think. Only out of his expectation for me acheive in school do I find it possible to follow what I truly enjoy. I cannot help, but his reaction to me studying creative writing over science would be.





Now the other burden out there is the burden of dreams. This applies to all the children out there who are the first in their to really have the chance to be something more. All the dreams and sacrifices of the people who brought the children to this point rest on these kids. I fall more into this catagory especially when it comes to writing, to having a family, to being happy. On days when I'm feeling strong, this is a major motivation to me. I've said time and again I want to break the chain of abuse and be more than a victim. There are days though I take this as a burden. Those days I want to give up, to surrender to the world with all its apathy and pains. Yes, there are times when I feel I am fighting because I have to and not because I want to. Many sacrifices have been made for me and I have seen so many dreams fade. I will not repeat this. I cannot let Mum down, I cannot prove all my thoughts of insanity or evilness correct and most of all I cannot let my inner self who was hurt so badly so young down. I want to fulfill her dreams.

I had this picture in my Sharon Shrine on the wall of my dorm room last year. When I was packing up the night before summer, I tore it. I was so devasted. I was afraid it was some terrible omen. Then I taped it and I realized I already live with this symbolism all around me. My life was torn and hopes shattered, but this hope was restored, taped, renewed...whatever the word! Don't tell me it was any coincidence it was THAT picture...Frozen, holding on to innocence, protecting the young. Yeah Sharon is always there so me...

Anette

Wow. I really am in a weird mood. I'm posting about the singer who I think "ruined" my favorite band (nevermind the fact that Nw isn't and never has been my favorite band). I'm not getting started on Nw though. I'll have Nw Rant post sometime in the future so stays tuned for CAPS LOCKS.

Well I gained a lot of respect for Anette lately. Now I'm sure eventually she'll do something to make me angry with her again, but right now she seems to be strong and pretty to me. One of the reasons is her "cover" of "Kuolema Tekee Taiteilijan" which is the song on Once that was is in Finnish. Tarja sang it at the concert she got fired after. On the EoaE DVD, the whole band was burning. Talk about symbolism ^_^ To a certain degree I thought that song was sacred- almost the last sacred thing that could not be touched since it is Finnish and Anette is Swedish, but...When I first heard she sang it I think I scream. I couldn't believe it, didn't want it to be truth, was quite scared. Honestly I enjoyed it...a lot. It's soothing. I've read her pronounciation is awful, but I'll forgive her since my Swedish pronounciation is awful.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AtixL0dD28g

Thanks Anette. Stay strong despite the pain! Don't prove me and my crazy ideas right please.

Honestly what is wrong with me. Well I do feel sick...hmmm. Nah, I'm actually objective when I'm not bitter.

Another scary thought I had today pretained to WT. In an interview Robert said the new song would be something not expected on a WT cd. I immediately got scared. Then I realized this is WT. I trust this band completely don't I? So why was I having doubts...?

I have dealt with great trust issues lately...with the incident with my friend and all, but not WT. They are my pillar. Sharon wouldn't hurt me.

Let's not comment on how big a part of my life these bands are, but I will admit it. I am trying to escape into a fantasy. I am a writer after all.

Like I said weird mood. I'm happy and hurting at the same time.

The Other Good Thing...

That happened today, BUT NOBODY FREAK OUT YET.

*takes a deep breath*

WITHINTEMPATIONISRELEASINGASINGLEOFANEWSONGISSEMPTEMBER!!!!

YES. YOU HEARD ME CORRECTLY!!!

A new song from WT is more than my heart can take. I was actually weak in my knees after reading this. Call me a fangirl -FANGIRL- but I love them thaat much. I can't imagine what a nw WT song would be like...I'm so used to WT now...It will be weird hearing something else from them. SHARON THOUGH. SHARON!!! OMG!!!!

I CANNOT WAIT FOR MORE NEWS!!!

DON'T LET ME DOWN WT ^_^

I don't think there are words to ever convey how much WT mean to me...in praticular Sharon, Pale, Frozen, Ovecome, Stand My Ground and Overcome. I can scream and jump around until I have no more energy (like I did the first time I watched the Black Symphony) but that would only get across I'm a crazy fangirl who loves going crazy! My true love for WT lies much deeper...in the memory I have of thinking "Stand My Ground" or "I Will Overcome" in some very pivital moments of my life. Or listening to "Pale" on repeat when I was afraid to fall asleep since my lungs hurt so much and waking up and hearing the bridge<3>

"Reminds me again it's worth it all...So I can go on"

That might be my favorite lryics. WT does exactly that for me. Okay so this post is now about how much I adore WT, but I will never say I LOVE SHARON. WT REPRESENTS EVERYTHING GOOD IN THE UNIVERSE. SOMETIMES ALL I HAVE TRUST IS WT enough times. There aren't letters big enough to capture me feelings.

I just hope I can be strong and not make a mockery out of the life my beloved WT helped me have...

IKEA

I'm going to gosh about how much I love this store before I go back into "sad" mode.





*is listening Ever Dream again actually*





I LOVE SWEDEN!!!! SO NATURALLY WE HAD TO GO VISIT IKEA (even though we didn't buy anything except an umbrella) They a Swedish flag flying outside...it is so awesome<3 AND IT IS ALL BLUE AND YELLOW! AND THERE IS SWEDISH FOOD!!! AND SWEDISH NAMES FOR EVERYTHING *JUMPS UP AND DOWN* I was squealing in the store. I can't help it. I'M IN LOVE.





But that was until reality hit me. I am not Swedish. I am stupid and fail at learning languages so I don't know much Swedish. I have a crappy home with nothing from Ikea...and my life sucks. lol. So I was thinking...one day I am going somewhere peaceful where I will have a nice home with a man who actually cares about me and tons of children who I will not be mean or abusive to...basically everything I never had.





Yeah, I really am bitter. *huggles her Tarja plushie*





But ANYTHING SWEDISH IS STILL KEWL. And their cake was good and we got some other Swedish food products...IKEA is the closest I will get to Scandanavia for awhile...BUT ONE DAY!!!

I want me very own Swedish flag...actually I want a Finnish flag. I'm Finnish...

Something else...

So there's a line in the song "April Rain" (the first one actually) "How does it feel when all you are counting on it Scatterbrain..."

Well, I can totally relate to that...since there are times (like now) when all I am counting is -music- and by music I mostly mean WT because they saved my life and continue to be my number one lifeline especially when I am very upset and need comfort...especially Pale, Frozen, Stand My Ground and Memories!!! My top four favorite songs<3

I really really idolize Sharon. Maybe she isn't this great hero, but to me she -and WT as a whole- represent EVERYTHING THAT IS GOOD IN THE WORLD!!!! Yes...I know most of this is probably invented in my mind, but I need to believe in something.

I know I am obsessed with these bands...with Sharon and WT, Nw, Tarja...but they really have helped me to be strong this long and I rely on them to keep me going.

I mentioned this in my last post: Delain has really helped me these past monthes too. At first I was like NO, I HATE YOU GUYS CUZ YOU HAVE A SONG WITH THE SAME NAME AS A SACRED SONG -Frozen- but upon letting really listening to them I have really fallen in love...lol. Especially April Rain...I cannot tell you how many times I have imagined something along the lines of that music video in my mind...since honestly hugging myself in the midst of a storm is reallly what I need to do ^_^

Right now I'm listening to April Rain on repeat..."Fortune smiles on you" This song really did change my point of view. Lots. I know longer really think I am screwed cuz well...fortune does smile on me!

Oh and don't even get me started on Vice and Virtue...HEH, I'll make another post of Delain lyrics I REALLY LOVE.

Regrets!!!

"My past is pounding in the back of my memories
It's always there to poison my mind with all I do
Feelings I know so well seem to come back
as if nothing's ever changed"

Yeah. So now despite my earlier BLISS, I am feeling kinda of rueful...like I wasted time I could have been using to have fun. But perhaps the only way to enjoy something is to want it after knowing what you missed? Perhaps I didn't want what I want now then...but what has changed?

I guess it doesn't matter now, but...

I was afraid of summer. I was afraid of -this- of what did in fact come to be...but maybe it didn't have to be...I wasn't all pessimisitic. I just got sucked into things...my paranoia of fire, being depressed about her, hating myself, fighting, doing nothing...and now looking back...What have I done to be happy?

At the beginning of summer I also said we were going to go on LOTS OF ADVENTURES AND BE HAPPY!!! But no...I didn't. I barely saw those friends at all and now it saddens me greatly. I wasted my time...I mean I went on adventures but it wasn't what I imagined...and it hurts now.

I did fall into a hole...because I could. I didn't have anything demanding me to be happy and try like at school...And now the thought of school thrills me as much as it scares me. Things won't be exactly the same as last year...what if my friends don't want to see me? What if classes are harder? What if I am nothing? What if I drown...?

*goes to listen to Start Swimming*

OH I GOT MY APRIL RAIN CD EARLIER!!! LOVE THAT CD SOOOOO MUCH. REALLY SUMMED UP HOW I HAVE BEEN FEELING THIS SPRING/ SUMMER...

I want that black shirt Charlotte has...but noooo, sadly I could not wear anything like that wiht my body...I soooo wish I was pretty...

And I still wish I could talk to her...despite all the strong feelings I have saying the opposite...

This is very true: I am afraid of being rejected so I do nothing. I am afraid of failure.

Ever Dream!

This post doesn't have anything to do with that song, but I'm listening to ED right now so....

OKAY LET'S SKIP THE SALAD AND GET STRAIGHT TO THE MAIN COURSE (which of course is 69 tacos)

It is time to fight again. I've been sitting still in a pool of rotting memories for awhile now and mourning things.

First point: NOTHING IS EVER LOST. THINGS GO AWAY, BUT IF THEY ARE TRULY MADE OF LOVE, THE HEART ABSORBS THEM. This is something of a brutal lesson to learn. I only say this now because I have experienced this cruelty first hand. Last night it hit me quite hard that I had in fact lost my best friend. But the part of me that will never give in to such woe thinks this: Alex will always be apart of me for the same reason it hurts so much that she is no longer walking beside me. It was her who inspired me so much, fired my creativity to its limited, got the writing juices flowing in me and really helped me become me. As long as I stay true to myself, she is within me. So we can be sad about the things we have "lost" or we can carry them with us always as we fight toward the future. And that future is what we must fight for. The dream we thought up in a brighter time will forever lie within us, beneath the pain and blame. Honestly my methods might have been wrong, but I never sat down and did nothing. I would have gone so far as to make myself a hypocrite to help her, but she was never listening. It's a shame too,. I truly cherished our times...Ultimately though she chose to escape into her world and never face us again.

Second Point: Think I forgot this one honestly...so I will just rant. I'M MAD AT TARJA FOR LIKING ARGENTINA MORE THAN FINLAND. FINLAND ROCKS TARJA. YOU WOULDN'T HAVE A J IN YOUR NAME IF IT WASN'T FOR FINLAND. *STEALS TARJA'S J* WHAT NOW TARA? NOT SO J-TASTIC ARE YOU???? HUH! HUH!!! *WAVES HER FINNISH FLAG*

I DOWNLOADED MUSIC LEGALLY YESTERDAY. I GOT MY VERY OWN COPY OF "ESCAPIST" though I don't understand why that songs has to have dying children in it...ITUNES DIDN'T WANT ME TO PUT IT IN MY DPP ALBUM BUT WHERE ELSE WAS IT GOING TO GO? YES, I WILL DEFINITELY MAKE AN ALBUM JUST FOR ONE SONG *TOASTCIELING* SPEAKING OF ITUNES, I FINALLY GOT BOTH MY WHAT HAVE YOU DONES IN THEIR RIGHT TRACK ORDER PLACE!!! YAY. I WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO LISTEN TO THE HEART OF EVERYTHING IF FROZEN CAME AFTER THE HOWLING!!!

YAY SHARON!!! WITHIN TEMPTATION IS RELEASING A LIVE ACOUSTIC ALBUM LATER THIS YEAR. YOU SHOULD ALL BE EXCITED!!!

WITHIN TEMPTATION IS ANOTHER THING THAT IS FOREVER PART OF ME. RIGHT CUZ THERE ARE TIMES WHEN IT IS MY ONLY STRENGTH AND COMFORT. I know I can always rely on WT to be there ^_^

ahem. So in other news six slices of bread got toasted AT ONCE in the trial of a new TRIPLE SLOTTED TOASTER!!!!! *insert news camera flash here*

ISN'T THE WORLD A GLORIOUS PLACE?

*no drugs were consumed in the posting of this post*

TOAST

There was a toaster in my dream last night and it had an open fire inside. I thought it was going to light the bread ablaze...must reflect my fears of us buying a toaster oven. But a toaster would save me from hamburgers boiled atop the stove.

Toasters in their many forms...

WHERE IS THE WITHIN TEMPATION TOASTER???

For the Love of Caged

Now I find my self alone caught in a cage


There's no flower I can find in here


Not withering


Or pale to me





I need some Sharon-ness desperately...

I feel sick. I shouldn't have eaten that peach...

1. So I was minding my own buisness washing said peach when my mother asked "Will you be able to take it if he does get convicted and breaks down in court?" That was a new one. I never even thought of that in all my painful strolls on the shore of regret...I didn't say anything just screamed "WHY?" I didn't need to hear that...Cuz NO, no I will never be ready to see someone be doomed especially not because of me, not someone I know so well...I just cried right there in the kitchen...usually I cry alone in my room under the music...I cannot think of that. No matter what he did to me, I cannot think of him suffering. Maybe that is crazy, but that is how I am.

2. I really wish she would talk to me. Someone would talk to me. I'm scared. I don't want anyone messing with my mind anymore. I don't know what to trust, who to believe. I'm not angry or cruel. I'm hurt, scared and looking for comfort. No one seems to understand that...

Always there to remind me

It keeps me from believing

That someone might be there

Who'll free me and never ever leave me

I don't see anyone ever freeing me...

Within Temptation is the only thing I love anymore...the only thing that comforts me. My other favorite bands are great for escape though...

Resistance -isn't- futile!

I so want to talk to her, to just say hi...I mean why shouldn't I...we are -were- friends, right?

Wrong.

And I know that. Omg that song I'm listening to (Believe- RJA) just said know when I typed know. I always find that creepy especially when it is so rare word like grave. Anyway, talking to her would just continue my cycle of hurt. I used to cry when I talked to her. I cannot do that anymore. It is not worth it. She has never cried talking to me, she does not care she has not talked to me in a long time or god forbid seen me so why should I? If I'm trying to be a good person, there are plenty of people out there to help who would care.

Nothing will change who I am, what I want, what I've been through. Yes, she was a big help in surviving highschool and I sorta became who I am because of our adventures, but the keyword is "came" and "was" ie past tense. That last sentence was grammatically wrong...My point is she is a part of me because she inspired me to keep writing, to be crazy and as long as I cherish that part of me ^_^ *almost in tears* I wanted so much to reach her (thank you Delain and "I'll Reach You lol) But here's the thing about my thoughts on said song...the morning of the night -I- lied to her, I was thinking that even if I never saw her again I would reach her because I -am- the person she helped create. I only wanted to reach you...

Silly me...I said I had "enough symphonies of sorrow" a few days ago but here I am still writing a blog about her, wishing to talk to her. I'll take this moment to mention how much I admire Tarja and her ability to "walk alone" Regardless I am me and I want the same thing before I lied to her, before I turned myself into a hypocrite. Though honestly, I don't think I did. Since I was motivated by a desire to make her see reason...just goes to show how hardcore I am. I'll never use the words kill and self in the same sentence again (well I just did but you get the point). Heh, that reminds me how I said I would never use Tarja and Nw in the same sentence again...after seeing Tarja and how strong she is. I need to remember that lesson. Those words used to be my escape, some stupid fantasy and well I would like to think I have grown past that. I can deal with anything now- the legit way- No scissors, no walls, no giving up, no blame. What's the worse that can happen? It won't kill me!!!

"Have to Stand Up to Be Stronger" <--- I wanted to have that engraved onto a bracelet, but they charge by the word...that would get quite expense so if I get it done I might just say "Pale" or "Stand My Ground" Maybe one side will say "Frozen" and the other "Pale" *heart* And for those non-believers in Pale and Frozen-ness...Finland is Pale and Frozen and Finland is also win. Thus thanks to that law of something or other they teach you in geometry Pale and Frozen are win.

Someone needs to read my blog. I need appreciation. I don't even need to touch the menu button on my ipod to change alblums. AMAZING.

Point though...I'm not going to talk to her. I'm going to write and listen to my beloved music.

SO!!!

TODAY AND YESTERDAY WERE TOTALLY AWESOME DAYS!!!! (which I was due for if I do say so myself)





Yesterday I went to Six Flags, which was unnaturally crowded for a Wednesday. I wanted to roll down my window and ask the other drivers WHY AREN'T YOU WORKING? I'M FINNISH. I HAVE AN EXCUSE. But alas I kept my mouth shut. If half those people had been in the EPIC (as in SUCKY) traffic jam I was, they'd have thrown kumquats at my car. DON'T LET ANYONE FOOL YOU!!! Express lanes are not faster. They are simply traps for the clostraphobic...which I'm not so it was something of a speed tunnel (oh noes...).





Today the Amaranth sprouted. BABY AMARANTH!!!! (which you really cannot see in this picture that was taken to commenorate the sprouting of the amaranth)

Oh and then I got my new YELLOW IPOD NANO!!! AND IT IS THE KEWLEST THING EVER!!! I even got itunes kinda of working the way I want. Before I even got my ipod, I was mad at that program for losing The Other Half (of me) on me...After 6(9) hours of fighting and changing files around I have most of my music sorted, but I still haven't found What Have You Done...But since I was so excited testing the thing for the first time I overlooked itunes stealking WT...Frozen was the first song my ipod played. Yip GO FROZEN!!!

Dig that Hole Deeper

It’s a deep pit, this hole I’m in
Good for drowning, like the beloved night
I’ve had a blast in my away
Where nothing but dirt looks upon my shameful soul
Such a scary world out there
So much safer in this shelter I dug
Going down, I whispered to fellow ghosts
Destroyed like the crumbled stone
My own hands helped to carve
A cave-in, a rockslide of dreams that never were
Remind me I’m a liar, fantasizing a self from my dirty shade
Wishing now I could have one last chance to at least
Stand in the shadow of the stone friends
As the sky is orange and red and my own hands turn grey
Impatience blasted the statues, my heart breathed life
Into those quiet beings who sought refuge from the pick
That would chisel their beings, change their essence
Looking down I see wreckage at my feet
That stands as the ultimate mark of my sins
More so than this shame within me
There is no going back, no putting things right
In my pit I sleep these painful days away
There’s a spot somewhere on my mind
Saying this is not how things should go
Not the bright adventures I told tales of
Knowing this darkness isn’t life
This huddled bundle of defeat and failure
Isn’t the one I draw in my mind as imagine what could be
Who I hear screaming to set myself free
Begging to let her in, get myself out
She doesn’t know why I used her heart to dig this hole
Couldn’t I take her hand and skip to the horizon
Where we almost were until I dug to avoid the rain
Shifted through the soil, had to find the root
Of an issue I should have let die
Before my hands tore the stem
Seeping the life blood of the bond that made me
Unto my own hands, tainting my everything
Entwined in the vines knotting and choking
Tears falling as a sign death wasn’t my intention
Digging through the strata, won’t be looking myself in the eyes
Any sooner than I stare truth down and walk around
Trust blew into the wind and I don’t even want to know
Where the pieces ended up, where I will never go
The world isn’t as simple as when I rebuilt my heart
Now I must go on bleeding clearly, thinking clearly
From my hole I thought to control those who drew my blood
Sadly now my powers could not ease the strife
Guilt as my shovel digging and digging
Crying for the gathering of stone friends
The shore they together again would not see
I’d love to tell her I swam through the ice
Can’t though, you know, don’t want to see those icy eyes
Would love to try to piece together the stone fragments
But these cuts run deeper than gravity can hold and
Gravity draws me deeper to the stone core
With my hands digging, my words harsh
Never felt bad for my transgressions, fight for the fun of it
Rocks tumble down upon me, become part of me
I’d cry but I’d drown and I can’t swim up, not to open arms
Stabbing meaninglessly, it does not matter
My own hands weapons for who knows what I am capable of
Corruption is a game and I’m the master
Lying until no one knows the truth
No one will accept I’m the killer
Who brought this hell upon us
I hit stone, nails bleed form scratching
Can’t get out with words, can’t go back on my actions
Stuck in my hole, stuck where my lungs fill with dirt
Eyes cloud, hope evaporates and I just want out
I could break free without the guilt but
This whole mess is my sin and I cannot bear to see
The ending my actions wrote into this play
Search in blame, seek in words
See within me, see there is nothing there
The room is still dark, he turned the light off
In shadow as his hands set us on this path
Poor sleeping child who dreamed of the sun and stars
Whose stories define the world she could not bear
To be like all else I’d push her into the corner
In shadow she cried and wished I’d hold her
We’re on this path for good or bad
It’s not in my hands, I am not the sinner
It’s a nice excuse though, victim is the easy role
Sidekick has no fame, but I’ll do it, for her
Take the stones that hold her in the corner
Turn the light on reveal her tales aren’t far from what I am
Once trying was surviving, I always tried
I’d rather strike her, she bruises easy
I learned from the ones who should have prevented that
I am the villain, flinging rocks at myself but
She tells me we can use that same strength to climb out
Should I though knowing my words were the acid that dissolved bonds
It was only me who could save us from the start
Blaming the uncaring friend for turning me cruel
Sorrow for having nothing, it can’t be so
I cannot be that, I tell her we’re leaving now
Not for the liar but for the dreamer
Pain on the horizon with the decaying friends
My hole is no longer safe
These walls are coming in with madness
Building up within my weary heart
Where to go when I cannot forgive
Neither horizon nor shore bring comfort
All I want is the foundation where it was
Wandering weaponless across an expanse
She says we can take the pale, frozen world
We know their secret, it was whispered as
The ice melted and the sun guided me free
I’m staying I guess with her now for awhile
Going to prove my words are more than insanity
Without the friend it seems, my tears will not take her form
Away is not so far, just a step out from under these rocks
I’ll let her use her power if she promises only to heal

Early Morning Woes

I need to rant even though it is 2:30 and I feel rotten.

And once again I've been listening to Pale for awhile now, but Pale is kind of like a ladder that after I get done digging a deep hole to hide in, I have to use it to climb out. All I can do is hope I'm not past the point where WT can save me...

*sigh* I was reading something earlier and it really hit me how bitter I am, how angry I am at the entire world. Now I joke about this all the time...especially about how I hate men, how the world is messed up, how I'm insane.

But I never believed any of this until recently. I don't know if I have lost more faith in myself or with the rest of the world. I definitely never had much faith in myself. I have always thought I was crazy, meant to suffer, some sort of plague, but I had turned a lot of that around. I got to the point where I almost liked myself, was going to try to use my past and everything it meant for good. I wanted to fight, to be something.

Now I've given up. I wouldn't say I wasn't going to try- just that I'm not going to care and really I don't care. I have numbed myself to so many things. This lack of caring is what scares me the most and makes me think I am some sort of psychopath. I know I mention how there are a lot of fights between my mother, brother and me and I play a big part of it. I can't help fighting. I've tried talking, I've tried changing how I react, but still all I see is the same thing. People act the same.

I'm starting to doubt if I have even changed. I was sitting on my bed writing a few nights ago and I realized I was doing the same thing I did seven years ago. So really I haven't just not changed since last year, but I haven't changed since junior high, since I was younger. It is true. I'm still obsessive and desperate to escape except now I have it better justified, have some proof that I'm not all bad. When I was younger I used to write stories in my head and almost live in some fantasy just to escape my silly, yet uncomprehendiblely pain world. So now I want to be a writer. I want to spend my life running into stories of everything I fear, will never be, will never witness. I felt bad when I saw people who graduate with degrees in some math related field get the most money/ jobs. Why? All my life before I gave in to fantasies I wanted to be a scientist. I can do math. I don't have an excuse for studying creative writing. And well pyschology...I'm forever chasing what is wrong with me, trying to find what could have been. I justify my love of messing with people's brains with my love of seeing how people think. I'm going down the wrong path to somewhere I never imagined I would end up, but this path is so sweet. It was a temptation I could not resist and somehow I made myself think I was happy, think I had changed, had moved on. I can't know how truth that is...I really did escape everything I was. That's why I feel the need to change. I think I'm a bad person, but maybe one day I'll change into something not evil.

I often think I should never have been born. Had I not have been born, he would have committed no sin. I would not be bound to to bear the burden of the dreams that never were, to fight the father who messed with my earliest stages of emotional/ mental development and still haunts my memories, my future. One thing I know is I do not truly want to fight. But I also could not sit back and be weak. I have been forced to fight because there are things I want and none of these come easy. I will not except nothingness, being weak, hurting, but each day I remind myself one day along the line I will find some peace, a place where I will not have to struggle. Looking back I wonder how much I have really struggled in my life. I think of others who have really accomplished something like being the best at sports or having perfect grades and then there is me who was never quite good enough at anything. I couldn't swim, I wasn't that focused on school and I caused more trouble and expected everyone else to work it out for me. So was I not trying? Or were my efforts directed elsewhere...as in surviving. Sadly I believe there is some truth in that statement. I had to tell myself things to talk myself down from destroying myself, but most of those promises never came to be. I never went the extra mile. I just went on hating who I was, putting my head down so I didn't have to bear the shame.

And I truly have been or am ashamed of who I am. I have always wanted to be someone else. Someone popular, witty, brilliant, pretty and most of all valued. But what I see in me is someone awkward, bitter, terrified, holding back, fat, ugly and tolerated. I can't stand being the one standing alone, making a fool of myself, saying the wrong thing, but time and again I am and it wear on me until I don't want to be anyone. So I say I am nothing. I like nothing, I have no opinions on anything, I am voiceless and this protects me from those eyes that would judge. But I never understood fully it is my eyes that judge. I am the one who has torn myself down time and time. Other people forget things, which I cannot. I have no definition for the word forgive...

Lately I have given into everything I am fighting. I have become a hypocrite and this reality is the cruelest thing for me to bear. I let myself use my strength to hurt someone, to mock everything we were and even if doing so was driven by the purest intentions to regain what was lost, I committed the most awful act. I should not wonder now why I feel like a traitor, a stranger. Maybe I had changed for the better after setting myself free originally, but that has become lost admist betrayal, broken trust and disappointment. The thing that really stands out as hurting the most was the situation that worsened with the person I thought was my best friend. The loss of her was not something I ever thought would happen so I really didn't expect it, but trully I had been blinding myself all along. Like the time it was my fault she didn't talk to me all day on a field trip I sat alone wanting to cry on or the times I cried alone. I feel tainted now knowing I am not worth the effort to her. This really shattered most of the trust I had. It was just more proof that people can't get along, talking resolves nothing and all that. I don't want to lose faith in humanity, but looking around me at the apathy and selfishness I can't help but wonder why I ever cared so much. Why try to save someone who doesn't care about you, doesn't really care about what you are saying. I've been trying to keep something alive for a long time now...My relationship with her, my blind excitement, my dreams. What do I do now? I have so many times asked. After I betray everyting, after there is nothing left of something you love, after your worst fears play out before you, what do I do? How do I forget the friend who made me who I am? How do I smile and ask as if the bright sun and laughter is all that matters when in the back of my mind I know the pain I have caused?

It is pointless to try to say I have done nothing wrong. Though I say this a lot and I am just trying to lie to myself. I have done everything wrong. I tore my family apart and am essentially ruining someone's life, killing someone. That is why I always had those dreams about killing my father. I knew all along it is what I would one day do. That in order for me to overcome, to feel strong, I would have to hurt him. But he deserves it, I know. I'm sorry I can't be that cold, that even after someone violated me so much I cannot even bear to think of where they are now, what people from my past would say if they knew the truth about me. I shouldn't complain about all the legal battles I face now, all the fears of what he can have done to me when I brought this on myself. Why? Because I got depressed and somehow convinced myself the only way to be happy again was by telling a secret that would blast the very foundations of my world. To a certain degree it worked to. It did make me happy, gave me hope, but at what expense. I hurt my mother beyond what I will ever know. She is the one who has to take the pain for my wishes. My only response to this is telling myself I will be everything she wasn't, but that is a horrible burden. I want to break this chained of hopelessness and self-hate, but all I see is a girl too scared to be herself, to bitter to focus on what she has and too screwed up to even see anything clearly. I don't want to see myself as permentally ruined but I don't see how I will ever stop being me, forget the horrors. All I want is to go somewhere peaceful away from people who demand things from me, from things I do not respond well to.

I am beyond guilty. Guilty for not helping more people, for wanting things, for causing fights, for hurting my family, for being mean, for hurting my best friends, for being ridiculous, for being alive. I am entwined in making things right. I have no hopes and dreams beside this. I need to be the hero I never had, I need to prove there is beauty left and people do care. If my birth was a sin than my whole life will be atonement and I can live knowing that. I have no choice about that. Once my dark fantasy was suicide. When things became unbearable I would say this is the end, I should not exist anymore. I hated myself so much I took sharp objects to my own skin until I felt bad about hurting myself, but I wanted to be punished. Now I wonder what I was punishing myself for...hurting? making a mistake, being screamed at, what others did to me? In a void I do not hate myself...actually quite the contrary but when apply all the ways I react, all the things I waste, I hate who I am.

Now I hide behind a shell of arrogance. My thoughts of being better than everyone else somehow justify my existence, justify everything I am not. In truth I am alone. I am hurt, scared, dying for someone to comfort me. All my life comfort is all I wanted, for someone to choice me and want me above all, but I've been screamed at, rejected, not understand, abused in every way possible. My deepest fear is I will somehow turn out like the people who hurt me. I am afraid of what I will turn out to be, what I am capable of doing. I do not trust myself now. I do not accpet that deep within I am probably too caring. I see someone who wants revenge on the world who hurt her, who wants to take everything she was denied. When I stop fighting, when I give in this is what I am. I default into depression...

Or so I thought, but maybe it is not true since even after all the pain, I can still laugh and love. I have some distant hope that maybe just maybe there was a part of me that was not touched. That past my depressive tendencies I am happy and believe in everything I contradict when I am not. Is this just how I meant to be? For a reason? Can I wield everything I am as a weapon of good before it destroys me from the inside?

The future stretches out before, terrifies me because it represents infinite possibility, infinite potential. I can create something beyond everything I cried about, I can be more than the bitter victim. There are dark things that lay waiting around corner I didn't even know existed and these things that I am paranoid of can happen. But this road I must walk goes on past it...until I can find peace.

I know I must learn to forgive...if not the world, but myself because I am not my enemy. I cannot beat myself for what I have done, for things that at the root are not my fault. Sure I have hurt people I love, hurt myself, lied, made terrible mistakes, but they are not the end. There are things I will miss, people I will not forget so easily and good things that I wish had ended differently. But I must accept I cannot change these things...

I cannot make her care. I was a part in the destruction of our relationship, but it was never once what I wanted. She never tried. I tried everything I knew even to the point of lying and betraying myself. I have cried and mourned her so much when I should just walk away.

I will no longer apologize for who I am.

Lesson -almost- learned

So this really made my day, which wasn't going so well for like the hour I had been up: a friend who I hadn't talked to since freshman year ended called me and we had a nice conversation that made me a lot happier. You know why?

CUZ THAT IS WHAT FRIENDS ARE SUPPOSED TO DO FOR YOU. CHEER YOU UP, WANT TO TALK TO YOU, TOO SEE YOU. GOOD FRIENDS DON'T MAKE YOU CRY EVERYTIME YOU TALK TO THEM OR PUT THIS CONSTANT WORRY OR HURT IN YOUR HEAD THAT MAKES YOU FEEL GUILTY ABOUT EVERY GOOD TIME YOU HAVE!!!

Seriously. I don't like, don't understand why this is happening honestly, but I'm going to have to live with it and focus on myself....which is so hard coming from someone who wants to take everyone's pain away. But a certain person won't let me help them. I know I cannot control other people as much as I would love too, but sadly NOPE. They gotta learn for themselves. I mean I learned for ymself...no one came along and saved me...(except WT)...but that's not the point...I want to help other people partly because no one was ever there to help me. Maybe I'm going around it the wrong way...trying to change someone. Probably, but once again it's hard.

Something has to change...I can't keep feeling so bad for you. I can't keep having you remind me of that damn song Bye Bye Beautiful...

Did you ever hear what I told you
Did you ever read what I wrote you
Did you ever listen to what we played
Did you ever let in what the world said
Did we get this far just to feel your hate
Did we play to become only pawns in the game
How blind can you be, don't you see
You chose the long road but we'll be waiting

YOU NEVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO RELATE TO THAT SONG.

Anyway...Time to focus on being excited again since that is really important to me.

Reflections on a -not-so- toasty Tuesday!

CALL ME A CANNIBAL IF YOU PLEASE, BUT I MIGHT HAVE TO EAT THAT CINNAMON BUN.

WHAT ALL THE KEWL KIDS DID TODAY: SENT OUT BLANK TEXTS!!! FTW F00s!!!ONE!!!11!!

But seriously...WHY IS IT COLD (AND I MEAN UNCOMFORTABLE ONLY WEARING A T-SHIRT COLD) ON THE LAST DAY OF JUNE. This summer has not felt right...at first I swear it was more like Fall, but then we got a few HOT days and I was like YIP, SUMMER!! But false alarm it seems...actually I think it was 69 degrees earlier which is something I sorta kinda have to approve.

In other news. I TOTALLY BETRAYED MYSELF. Until I went to see The Fray Sunday night I had never been to a concert that starred an Amercian band- let alone a popular one. I had seen three Japanese bands, WITHIN TEMPTATION, TARJA AND NIGHTWISH. But yeah...it's so weird. I feel dirty. EWWWWW!!! I'M SORRY MY FINNISHNESS.

I also finnished the short story I had been working on most of the summer so far. It was a sequal to the story I wrote for my creative writing class last semester "Crownless" I had to name this one after another Nw song...Angels Fall First. There will be a third story too, I think since I know what I want to happen to these characters in the end...I swear it doesn't involve Nw either. WOW ONE DAY I'M GOING TO TYPE A SENTENCE THAT DOESN'T HAVE NIGHTWISH IN IT. OMG. NOWAI. ROOSTERS.

Sadly she is still on my mind though. Upsetting me despite the fact I said I wouldn't let her anymore. I know I need to let go, but it's hard.

ALSO I CANNOT WAIT FOR ANETTE'S LINE OF OVEN MITS!!! IMAGINE STICKING HER FACE INTO THE HOT OVEN. -uncalled for-

OH GUESS WHAT????

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

YAY.

Is this thing on?

FINLAND!!!!

Okay yay!!!